House of A Writer

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Apr 25

Ten Things of Thankful-Feeling prayful

by Jeanine Lebsack

There are times in life when some things just don’t make any sense. Death for one isn’t something I can fathom. Whether a loved one is young or old, natural causes or sudden tragedies it tears at my empathic heart. My husband and I recently lost a friend this week. The sadness overtakes me as this special soul leaves behind a beautiful, caring wife and three amazing kids. I think about the last conversation we had, the laughter, the reminiscing, the hugs of let’s keep in touch. Just when I start to ride a grief wave another loss happens, and I’m threatened to be pulled under by the melancholy cloud of darkness. I don’t think I’m supposed to understand death I’ve lost too many people to count in the last ten years. I’m beginning to believe that I’m just supposed to survive the affects of death and keep learning and appreciating the life lessons I’m taught. I will now begin to attempt to find some thankfuls as part of Lizzi’s TTOT linkup and glean a silver lining in a dark cloud. 

I’m thankful that even though it’s been a difficult week my husband has been able to talk about his feelings. He attended his childhood friends funeral while I attended an appointment. He told me it was good to see old friends and there’s comfort in knowing how many turned out for the sad day and how loved our friend was. 

I’m thankful that I kept my head and my heart busy with baking, walks in the sunshine, and movie time cuddles. My oldest (Captain) went with his Dad and spent time with family. The youngest (Mad dog) stayed home with me and enjoyed having me all to himself. 

I’m thankful that my Mad dog is making great progress with his behavioural aid sessions. His fine motor skills are improving so next we will continue working on having him sit for longer periods at circle time. It’s a large part of preschool and kindergarten and I want to prepare him for when he attends his new school. I’m so proud of his accomplishments in the last six months. ❤️

I’m thankful that I had silly, sweet, text conversations with my Captain while he was traveling with his Dad. We chatted from everything about wrestling (he’s a John Cena and Shane McMahon fan), Donald Trump versus the world, and how he wants to surprise his brother with the best beef jerky on the planet. I sure love my son and his creative mind! ❤️

I’m thankful for healthy meals, daily exercise, and relaxing in my hot tub with my family. When I have these things in my life everything just flows better and I feel so happy and loved. My fitness journey is ongoing and I strive to grow stronger in mind and body everyday. 

I’m thankful for catching up on housework, the dreaded laundry monster, and enjoying some beautiful summer weather. My moods are really tied to how much vitamin D I’m getting so the sunshine’s my elixir in life. 

I’m thankful for earth day this week. My Mad dog and I went for a walk by the river with his behavioural aid. We skipped stones jumped from rock to rock and took in the beauty and appreciation of our home. I’m grateful for the fresh clean water, the plants and trees providing me with oxygen and the flowers blooming and letting me enjoy their fragrance and aromatherapy. 

I’m thankful for reading, writing, and accomplishing my work tasks. I still have a few things to catch up on but I’m crossing things off my list and that’s a win/win in my world. Organization has never been my strong suit but as I see my piles of clutter becoming less I feel more in control of the direction I’m taking. It’s the old adage “cluttered space equals a cluttered mind.”

I’m thankful that I was able to apply that mindfulness to eliminating my digital and online clutter as well. Now that I’ve deleted data, cleaned up email accounts, and uploaded pictures onto my computer my phone/office is running at the speed of light! It’s amazing what a good feeling of satisfaction that can generate. 

I’m thankful for late night cuddles when my son can’t sleep. Late night talks and tuck ins when they miss me when it’s time to go to sleep. I’m getting to a point now where they don’t need me as much, especially my Captain. It’s so rewarding to see them growing and discovering the world and still wanting me by their side to chat about life and it’s mysteries. 

I’m thankful we had a successful follow up appointment with my youngest son’s sleep specialist. Since his diagnosis of autism in February and asthma in March we’re solving more health mysteries. The asthma medication has improved his breathing and shrunk his tonsils so much she doesn’t think he needs surgery! Now I will push for the MRI and see what’s going on inside his brain in regards to where the sleep apnea is originating from. Central sleep apnea is a a very serious condition-whereas the brain isn’t communicating with the heart and lungs about getting sufficient oxygen intake. Knowing my son is safe, breathing and sleeping properly is an answer to my prayers. Thank you to all you sweet souls who have expressed concern, said prayers, and empathized with us on this long, sleep deprived journey. This is the best outcome and update I could ever hope and pray for! I’m so thankful to God for these blessings. ?

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life

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Nov 16

Ten Things of Thankful

by Jeanine Lebsack

  
I’m back for another week of thankfuls after missing my chance to post by falling asleep before the linkup expired! You know you’re sleepy when you fall asleep writing. Usually it’s the opposite the words pouring out of my brain to my digital paper keep me awake. Tonight won’t be any different as I replay my week and share my thankful moments positive or negative. Thank you to the TTOT gang to have a place to ruminate, reflect and replay my bucket full of thankfuls. 
This has been a rough week I’ve had a death in my family, four theatre performances, and a lot of appointments. I’ve been emotionally and physically exhausted and fell off my workout scheduled. All I’ve been able to do is exchange it for yoga and meditation. This is the second death to hurt my heart in six months and I feel the need to hide away for awhile and heal my wounds. But alas my life’s not designed in the way so I just take a break from things that I don’t have the energy for. I’m thankful that I’ve realized I can do that without any guilt to weigh me down. 

My son had a polysonogram sleep study last month and I’ve recently got the results that he has severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I knew this before the test was done as I’ve been walking this path with him for nearly two years! I’m so thankful that I found someone to help him finally! He was seen by the first ENT who said his tonsils were fine and he just had a long tongue and there wasn’t anything he could do for my son surgically. 

  Fast forward to 7 months later and I know his medication regimen has shrunk his swollen tonsils but he will require surgery. I’m so thankful for the new ENT that will be performing the surgery. His office administrator was amazing to me as she explained the procedures and what to expect before and after surgery. My son will also require further testing of an EKG to rule out seizures, and an MRI to measure his brain size for his developmental challenges. I’ve called these his invisible forces you can’t see them until they come out in his behaviour. Even though my sweet boy has a lot to endure for his tender age of four he still smiles, lives life with a gusto, and loves with all his being! I’m so thankful for his tenacity and inner strength that inspire me daily to be better and advocate more for him and his brother. Life throws me curve balls and I’m thankful that I’ve been able to knock them out of the park. I’m only one Mom with an amazing support team and for that my gratitude is endless. 

I have another passion in life besides reading, writing, and fitness  and that is theatre. I’ve been so blessed to become part of an amazing cast in the  pantomime Beauty and the Beast. We’ve had four performances this week with a sold out show today! I love being part of this very talented cast of all ages with the camaraderie we share on stage and backstage. This is my theatre family who make me laugh, cry, and feel grateful to have this connection. I’m so thankful to be able sing, dance, and entertain and put some happiness in some sad hearts- including my own. 

I’ve been keeping up with my book writing and I joined up for Nanowrimo (National November Writing Month) I’ve enjoyed finding writing buddies to encourage me and my own local region that keep me inspired with my daily word count. I’m thankful that I’ve been able to write out the pain that engulfs me and to let it go in print. Being busy has got me further behind with my word count but I’m thankful that I still have some time to catch up. 

Through all of this worry, stress, and grief I have my family holding me up when I feel I will fall. I stumble from time to time and they’re always there to lift up my heart again. Death is difficult, I don’t see the final goodbye to life as a beginning at first. I need time to process it as I think about all that I’ve lost in the last ten years and I’m overcome with emotion. I’m thankful for these dark nights of my soul as they help me appreciate the sunshine in my life. I would be lost without my loves who are my greatest support and the best cheerleaders to be blessed with. 

I’m thankful for a place to share and I thank you for letting me pour it all out here. I write to make sense of things in my life, and to feel less scared. I truly believe that each story I give birth to helps me to heal one fragment of my heart at a time. For that I’m thankful and feel so blessed. 

life

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Feb 18

Ode to my Mom

by Jeanine Lebsack

Elizabeth Louise was her name.
Loved by everyone who knew her.
Intrinsically gifted with humour and the gift of gab.
Zealous with her love, honesty, and faith.
Amazing with her glowing light of virtue and trust.
Beautiful beyond measure inside and out.
Eloquently soft spoken with a sharp wit.
Talented, gifted, devoted to the ones she loved.
Heart of gold, my best friend, and heroine of my dreams.

This is a poem for my beloved Mama. She was my gift, to my siblings, and the world. Today I wrote this poem for her as part of my Day 3 Blogging 201 assignment. The word trust was the prompt and in the acrostic form of poetry.

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life

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Feb 8

Sadness

by Jeanine Lebsack

I’m so relieved I got through this day. I had two hockey games, six trips back and forth and stressful moments. I was finally home and then I went for a nice walk with my sister. We talked about life, love, and memories of our Dad.

He died six years ago today and I don’t know how that time passed. It felt like it stood still for me for a long time. I hold my breath waiting to exhale and heal from this grief. One thing I know is it takes one day at a time. And with great love comes great sorrow. I wonder who I’ll be without the grief, will I even recognize myself? All I know is I keep on living and being the best me I can be. And with that knowledge I know I honour his memory and heal my heart a little more each time.

So I’m thinking of him and enjoyed a nice dinner with my lovely sister and niece, and we toasted to him and all our wonderful memories. It’s so hard just having the memories to cherish, and not the person to hold. So many days, months, and years have passed and I found myself hanging onto precious moments. As they’re all I have now, which hurts more than having to say goodbye.

I pray I don’t forget his laughter, as he had a belly laugh that started at his toes and lifted you up in love and delight. He could curse a blue streak and smile mischievously, he could whistle a tune of anything he heard on the radio and know it by ear.

He loved with a heart as vast as the ocean and would give his shirt off his back to anyone who needed it. Even if it left him naked, and cold. He loved to be helpful and kind, and it’s from him that I learned to pay it forward regardless if there was any reciprocation. He gave with every ounce of his being and still wanted to give more! He taught me what it was to be a humanitarian and see the big picture of things instead of judgement.

I love, miss, cherish, and admire the man he was and the man he was becoming. Thinking of my Dad inspired this poem. Hugs to you in heaven Dad. I know it’s a better place up there with you in it. ❤️

This has been my submission to
https://lindaghill.files.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/wp_20150130_009.png for her Saturday Stream of Consciousness. The prompt was the opposite emotion. I chose the opposite of happy and wrote about sadness.

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life

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Oct 12

Sadness

by Jeanine Lebsack

There’s times when my sadness overwhelms me. I don’t think I’m that special to have experienced no more or no less, reasons to be sad. Today I sang for my lovely Lucy, and I was trying so hard to be strong for her daughter, her family, and for all those loved ones, that came to say goodbye to a very special lady. I sang as people entered the chapel and made sure to look in the direction of support. As she guided me through the song. I couldn’t cast my eyes on the crowd before me as I had already felt their loss, pain, and deep sadness. I sat with the family, my bestie, her husband, son, brothers and their family. This incredible group of people that welcomed me into their hearts and lives nearly 30 years ago. I felt every degree of their emotions, there was lots of tears, gentle hugs, loads of love and encouragement. There was also laughter as Lucy’s brother in-law shared some stories in his eulogy of her life. She was spitfire of a woman she had an opinion, and she gave it freely with no apologies. She also had the most amazing heart and giving nature. And if you were in her family blood line or not, you were blessed and grateful. There were touching moments as my bestie shared her thoughts of her Mom and best friend. As well as a beautiful poem, from Lucy’s son. What an incredible family Lucy has raised! With wonderful daughters who were there at her side in her final moments, and preparing her for her final journey, and still standing there with a strength of a warrior. I listened with awe as my bestie fought through her tears, her pain, to give her Mom the best send off possible. I also shared my blog that I had wrote, and let the room know how important and what an impact, this amazing family has had in my life. Then it was time for a song and I sang with the help of angels on high. I sang and I shook with power, presence, and prayer. I had to take off my shoes as I was literally shaking in them. And I felt this rush of spiritual energy rising up through me as I hit every note in perfect pitch. I knew I was in the presence of angels, and there was a celebration in heaven while they welcomed Lucy home. It truly was a moment of amazing grace, and how sweet was that sight and sound. Goodbye lovely Lucy, and thank you for sharing your life and love with me.

Today’s Stream of consciousness brought to you by http://lindaghill.com
The prompt was the letter S. Check out what she wrote about and all the other talent who link up. Thank you, my gratitude always. ?
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life

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Sep 9

Bullies suck

by Jeanine Lebsack

My heart hurts for my son today. He’s in a new school, in a new town, and he was bullied today. I too was bullied in school and it’s stayed with me always. I blog about it to cope, and over these years I just wish I could get over it. My son was bullied for the first time, in his previous school and I was irate!!! He’s gentle and kind and has always had everyone like him. Including teachers and support staff. Then this one boy changed his world. I got it dealt with immediately as it was right before the teachers went on strike in the province. Before he moved away, I took a goodbye book to school and had teachers and students sign it. His principal signed it and had said she was going to miss him a lot. Every day he saw her for 2.5 years, he said good morning and goodbye to her. Out of all her students he was polite, kind, and respectful and was going to be very missed. This memory of him will stay with her, and she wiped tears away as she hugged him goodbye. This is not a boy that needs to be bullied!!! No kid deserves to be ridiculed, hurt, made to feel worthless, and less than the amazing person they are! Before my son started at this new school, he was experiencing anxiety and fearful of the unknown. He was so afraid to go to summer camp in our new town because of being bullied once. I had to talk to the organizers and explain his fear and talk him into giving it a try. Luckily I was able to spend time at the playground with my youngest, while watching my son in camp. He did remarkably well, loved his time there, and was sad when it was over. I was so relieved and proud as I know how difficult it was for him to even try. I told him I love him, and I’m there for him always, and to let me know immediately if he’s ever bullied again. Last time, 3 weeks had passed before he let me know anything was amiss. ? After repeated attempts to find out what was wrong. I talked to his teacher and friends and found out the truth. And now it’s happening again, as hard as it was to hear it I thanked him for telling me. He also talked to his Dad, and I’ll be discussing the incident with his new teacher. I know some kids can be cruel, and I don’t believe in that old adage “boys will be boys” either. Rather I believe “do onto others, as you would have done onto you.” He’s being raised right, to show kindness, respect, and compassion. And he’s not a little a-hole, I’ve seen him at school interacting with his peers when he doesn’t know I’m there. I’m not trying to be a helicopter parent, just curious. I’ve gotten so many compliments on how helpful, kind, and courteous he is to his peers and teachers alike. He’s just a sweet boy who loves sports, math, and is a Titanic history buff. And why does one child have to ruin things for him? I want to protect my son away from life’s cruelties. I teach him everything’s possible, and he can accomplish anything he puts his mind to. And now I have to teach him how to be stronger, more thick skinned, and that people can be mean, and to use his W.I.T.S. Meaning walk away, ignore, talk to someone, and seek help. This was taught to him in his previous schools, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing when a bully puts their hands on my child!!! My heart aches, I know this pain, confusion, frustration, all too well. I wish I could keep him in a bubble away from all the hurt and pain. But unfortunately life won’t do the same for him. 

life

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