House of A Writer

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Apr 12

Monday Musings A-Z challenge-Compassion

by Jeanine Lebsack


I was raised to have a compassionate heart. My Mom was a big believer in showing compassion instead of anger. She didn’t have an evil bone in her body and she believed that people judged others by what they saw in themselves. I still carry this belief and honour her memory by teaching my children the same. Some have called me naive because of this truth I hold to dearly. That’s one’s opinion but not my truth.
It will still baffle me as an adult when some members of society don’t show compassion. I see it in daily life when someone driving cuts off another car. I see it in a long lineup when someone throws their money at a cashier. I observe it in a restaurant when dining out with my family when my son becomes disruptive at the table.

The reason is he has autism, and he doesn’t sit still for long. Ten patrons can turn into twenty and he becomes visually overstimulated to his environment. He also “stims” when his body is seeking sensory input to regulate his central nervous system. He does this by jumping, rocking or dancing on the spot. I see the looks, overhear the whispers and take him outside to shake his wiggles out. I don’t attempt to try to shush him out of embarrassment because it can escalate matters quickly when he feels he’s not being understood.

This is why we eat at one restaurant in our town. The food’s amazing and we’ve become wonderful friends with the owners during our time here. They know my family and they know of my son’s autism. If things are loud and crowded in their establishment my husband will go in and order us take out. If we make a plan to phone ahead we put in our order so that it arrives when we walk in the door. I’ve been at this game changing strategy  for awhile now as he had a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder first at the age of 3.

I had to prepare him for the world as it can be too loud, bright, and busy. I don’t feel that anyone owes my son any special favours all I would ask for is compassion. I recently shared on a Autism page of my son’s diagnosis. It was World Autism Awareness day and I felt brave sharing something so personal to our family. I made the mistake of not wearing my armour in sharing my son’s story. I had briefly discussed the judgements that we’ve received and even a personal attack on my parenting him through a sensory meltdown.

What I forgot in that moment of courage was that anything put out there on the Internet can be judged. That came to pass and I was stunned by the commenters lack of compassion. I thought to myself I don’t know this person’s story and yet she believes that she knows mine in one paragraph. I stayed in my #Mommitment mind, I may be judged on my words but I know my spirit. I didn’t reply and I was blessed that the admins of the page deleted the comment and left my story up.

It was liked and shared a few times and I felt relief that I wouldn’t be having to face that hurt again. It was such a strange feeling to be put on the spot like that from another parent. I will admit there’s a lot I still need to learn and not everyone wants to Light it up blue for autism awareness. Not all organizations are everyone’s cup of tea but I learn something from each of these groups and I gain support, understanding, compassion and that virtual hug of not feeling so alone. I just learned today from a amazing blogger friend  that autism by definiton means “to be alone.” This brought tears to my eyes and made me realize I never want that to happen to my sweet son.

My son has autism, but I don’t believe it defines him as a person. His precious giggle when playing hide and seek with his brother. His beautiful smile when he tells me he loves me with a sound, words, or a kiss. These things define him and when the world has gotten to loud and crowded for him and he reacts to his environment by melting down; he’s not being a brat, this is not a temper tantrum, all I ask is for a little compassion and understanding. It helps the eye of the society storm feel a little less scary to navigate.

This is my post for #MondayMusings for Everyday Gyaan would you like to take part in this linkup?
Here’s how it works:
Write a post sharing your thoughts with us – happy, sad, philosophical, ‘silly’ even. Make it as personal as possible.

Use the hashtag #MondayMusings.

Add your link to the linky below

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Visit and comment on the posts of other bloggers linked there.

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life

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Feb 17

Monday Musing-Riding the grief wave

by Jeanine Lebsack

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I’m a mixed tumble of messy emotions.  I don’t feel sad or cry everyday and there’s bursts of enthusiasm for life and all the wonderful things that make me happy. My family, friends, reading, writing, and creating something from nothing. Whether that’s in my kitchen or my craft room making something fills my happy bucket. 

Last year I suffered the loss of three special people in my life and just when I feel I’m dealing with my grief someone else dies! What do you do when you’re grieving during the month of love? Sometimes I can feel these emotions ebbing and flowing like the tides towards my heart. I can catch it in time or let it wash over me and fill me with overwhelming love or sadness. 

Sometimes it’s a mixture of both as this month has been difficult for me since the death of my parents. Seven years ago for my dearest Dad and five for my beloved Mama I had to say goodbye. Their leaving has left a huge hole in my heart in the shape of their love. I’ve done my best to live around that hole and create a new “normal.” Sometimes I succeed and then the grief wave threatens to pull me under again. Under the water where I’m drowning in emotion and struggling to breathe with the weight of my tears. 

I’ve been in counselling a lot of my life. I started when I was twelve in family therapy then continued on into adulthood. I still see someone when the urge arises and he thinks I need to deal with my grief instead of just trying to survive it. In the last ten years of my marriage my husband and I collectively had to say goodbye to ten loved ones. In the seven years since my Dad, step sisters, and my Mom’s deaths I’ve been in grief recovery in some form of another. Whether it was journaling, actively seeing a therapist, or in a support group. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself and I even wrote up a timeline of my happy and sad times in my life to track my triggers. The happiness is about feeling loved and discovering something new. The sadness always centres around a death in my life since I was three years old. I was born to older parents so I was around older people in my family tree. To me this was my life not anything unusual until I went to school and my friends parents were the same age as my older siblings! That was a shock as I never thought about all these special people leaving me. 

Some may say that dealing with death so young prepared me for the path I need to take to resilience. I have questioned my own mortality, mourned for a a young life snuffed out by tragic circumstances, and have wrote out my living will to prepare my family. I’ve learned a lot during this time of self reflection and pain yet still feel like there’s more to discover. As I carve out a new “normal” and live around this void in my heart. I keep taking it one step, one breath, one journey at a time. With all that I have lost I’ve gained more love, perspective and appreciation; for all the people who have touched my life on this earthly and heavenly plane and for that I’m grateful. 

It’s time for #MondayMusings and it’s being co-hosted by Everyday Gyaan and The Philosopher’s Stone
Would you like to take part in #MondayMusings?

Here’s how it works:
Write a post sharing your thoughts with us – happy, sad, philosophical, ‘silly’ even. Make it as personal as possible.

Use the hashtag #MondayMusings.

Add your link to the linky which you will find on Everyday Gyaan and on the post of a co-host.

Use our #MondayMusings badge to encourage other bloggers join in too.

Visit and comment on the posts of other bloggers linked here.

Share the love.

  

  

life

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Oct 13

#Mondaymusings-Thanksgiving

by Jeanine Lebsack

   This is a special day to me the day I celebrate how thankful I am on my Canadian Thanksgiving. It doesn’t take a lot of practice to be thankful, but it takes a lot of self control to not be negative and stop complaining. I took a 21 day stop complaining challenge that my lovely friend invited me to. I learned more about myself and my knee jerk trigger reactions to daily life in 3 weeks, than I would’ve just allowing myself to complain. You can read about it here.  I felt more empowered after I completed the challenge to do more loving acts of kindness, be more positive , and to stop complaining! 

I now focus on being thankful for my blessings and remind myself to complain less. I’m finding with each thing that irks me I become mindful and just breathe and then will myself to let it go. It makes me feel so much more in control of my emotions instead of letting them control me. My relationship with my children has become closer and better because I’m focusing on hearing them out then just jumping to conclusions and complaining. 
I read something awhile back in a parenting workshop about how to miss a childhood, and one thing that stood out to me was not listening to your children. As the days went by where I was keeping myself accountable to stop my endless complaining I began to really listen. I’m a talker I like to use different tones and inflections in my voice so to just listen was a feat in itself! The more I did though, the more I connected with my son’s, and the more they wanted to connect with me. 

I have always been a right fighter and needed to have the last word. In my marriage that has led to difficult times. I always tended to blame my childhood as I’m the youngest of six. Growing up as the youngest I didn’t always feel my voice was heard without yelling and fighting. But the sad truth is I’ve been in denial I just wanted to be simply be right and validated.  As I became more mindful of this trigger my marriage changed for the better. More love, more patience, and more respect were infused in my thoughts, words, and actions was the result. 

I began to listen more and talk less, and it changed me from always needing to be right and have the last word. I won’t kid myself and say this isn’t a struggle some days. It’s been a large part of my life and I won’t change overnight. I’m confident though that I will change daily. Because I’m so thankful for my family they lift me up when my heart’s hurting, and love and forgive me when I don’t feel I deserve it. I’m so thankful that I am a strong personality to contend with because I don’t back down, and that has served me well with advocating for my children. 

They’re starting to see a gentler, more mindful Mom than a screaming, complaining banshee of a torment. I’m not proud of those moments when I’ve let the crazy train run off the rails. I am proud that I’ve taken the steps to change that from promoting and participating in my self care. I exercise more, and panic less. I meditate more and hold my breath less. I’m thankful for the calm that can full my days if I allow it to. I’m thankful for this rebirth of me and my loves, my country, and this Thanksgiving day. ❤️

Today I’ve linked up with Everyday Gyaan co-hosted by Kalidescope as part of Write Tribes #Mondaymusings. This is what I was musing about today, thank you for stopping by. ?

life

6 Comments »
Oct 6

#Monday Musings and my Mindful thoughts

by Jeanine Lebsack

I have so much I want to say, write, and express. Sometimes I feel like there’s not enough hours in the day to get it all out! The words spoken or written come out in a humble jumble and I breathe a sigh of relief. Finally I can focus on something that needs my attention like my overflowing laundry baskets, neglected emails, and that ugly bath tub ring staring at me. 

I get consumed sometimes like there will be there be enough hours in the day to purge myself of these thoughts that hold me captive. Will there be enough lyrics in a song, enough stanzas in a poem, will my insatiable thirst for knowledge ever be quenched as I spend my late night owl hours researching neurology? 

Will I allow myself to rest or will the anxiety monster that lives inside me roar up and raise its ugly head yelling at me never shall you sleep with ease while I’m in charge! What is it about this desire, drive, curiousity, and deep seated need that feels like home to me? It’s all I’ve ever known so is it possible to be something or someone else who isn’t acting on the impulse of that steady thrumming in my head and heart?  

To be all I can be, when I can, as much as I can before it’s too late! And why will it ever be too late when will the worry jagged lines carved into my brain cease to exist? I really can’t answer that to worry feels like breathing to me. I can get on a good righteous path and do really well with controlling it for awhile. Then something always happens and sends me into a tailspin watching, waiting, and questioning my anxiety fueled fears. 

Gripping me in it’s vise grip hold choking the pure joy out of me and drowning me in sadness and worry. I want to break free and live that life I dream of on the overside of the coin, than overdose in this blanket of fear. I cry out in pain, praying for God to release me from this torment of my mind! My life has never been an easy one like anyone else on this spinning orb we call earth I grew up in dysfunction. 

I was loved it was just the people who loved me grew out of love for each other. Or maybe there was a deep rooted love there but no respect. I spent my childhood days wanting that picture perfect family I saw shining in all its Hollywood glory on Happy Days. Even the Fonz in his cool leather jacket, and rebellious ways was Arthur to the Cunninghams and was loved and found worthy.

Why did I need this so much I was only four when my parents separated? I worried so much with my religious background, that they would end up in purgatory for their sins. I wanted desperately to solve the problems of the adults around me and everything to go back to what I considered normal. That word always left me feeling so inadequate because I never felt like I could live up to its expectations. 

Normal is really just a figment in my mind. My Mom always told me I was born to stand out and to never let anyone tell me my star couldn’t shine. She had such a lovely positive spirit and a way with words spoken, written, or sung. Losing her was my normal first to dementia, and next to death. When both felt like my heart was being ripped from my body! 

There are days when I just don’t want to worry anymore. How I just want to see my beloved Mama again and collaspe into tears in her lap; where she strokes my hair and tells me this too shall pass. But she’s not there and sometimes it’s only a Mom’s hug that can heal the wounds of your heart. 

An emotional roller coaster on the anxiety highway is my reality. When it gets too much I turn off the world and unplug and slip into my sensory pleasure of music. Singing with all my being so loud that even heaven could hear me. Those are the times I feel closer to my version of normal and as my heart soars and my spirits sings, getting me one step closer to God and freedom and to her voice and love. 

Today I’m linking up with #Mondaymusings hosted by Corinne at Everyday Gyyan and co-hosted by Reflections. I thank them for this opportunity to link up and express myself to a new audience. ?

 

life

10 Comments »
Sep 28

Monday Musings

by Jeanine Lebsack

I sit here lost in my thoughts and I wonder to myself what shall I muse about today on this Monday? I have woke up feeling exhausted from all that magical lunar energy that was shared across the globe last night. The truth is I spend a lot of late nights with the moon as my company. Last night wasn’t any different except of the status of the moon in all it’s super blood moon glory! 

 

My view from the live feed from Clay Center Observatory

 
Unfortunately cloud cover impeded my viewing experience yet I knew there was magic happening up there. That helped me to feel connected with the rest of the world and their revelations as we were all gazing upon the same splendour. The lunar vibration in the air was electric and I felt old ideas, thoughts, and patterns start to fall away. Only to have new ideas, creative thoughts, and a sense of renewal take it’s place. A time of rebirth and renewal will begin to take shape in my life and things will start to make sense again. Where I will be blossoming and beginning to thrive instead of just survive! 

   
I like to think of the moon as my late night companion. He comforts me when I can’t sleep due to worry, anxiety, wrapped up in an insomnia based package. When I’m awake listening to the sounds of snoring drifting from each of the bedrooms in my household. As I make my rounds checking on my children tucking them in, tidying up their rooms, making sure they’re organized for school. I then go back and check and re-check my youngest as he suffers with sleep disordered breathing. After two years, countless hours, days, weeks, and months of sleep deprivation he will have a poly sonogram to investigate what the problem is. 

I’ve been through a lot to get him help and haven’t given up when told he had a long tongue that was falling back in his throat and obstructing his airway. I have held him in my arms as his body relaxed and his head tilted back and he stopped breathing. I have shook him awake and cried countless years of tears waiting for his breathing pattern to continue slow and steady. 

During these times the moon has been my best friend comforting me when no one else could. Seeing my tears and without judgement I continued to let them fall until I was emotionally spent. My exhaustion knows no end so I do my best to keep healthy with exercise and proper nutrition. I have ran in empty for far too long so self care has become my saving grace. 

Tonight won’t be any different from any other night. I’ll make the school lunches, bath, book, bed routine will commence with my children. They will read to, loved, cuddled, and prayed for. And the moon will be there for me as I read, write, think, and pray to get through another day watching over me like an old friend. Departing wisdom and magic upon me right when I need it the most. 

This has been my privilege to linkup with Monday Musings hosted by the lovely Crazy Little Family Adventure. If you’re interested in joining up click on the info above. 

#mondaymusings

life

18 Comments »