House of A Writer

1 month= 30 days ,744 hours, 44,640 minutes and 2,678,400 seconds and I miss my love like my heart has been cut in half…. This is a rant, a vent, a cry for help as this is the longest stretch of time my husbands been gone from our family. I deal with daily life surviving on very little sleep, patience, or self respect. I find myself laying awake in bed at night contemplating whether I can get through another sleep deprived day. I’ve spent the last 3 months listening to my son snoring and breathing on a baby monitor. Now with his current sleep apnea diagnosis I’ve been using a new baby monitor that has an alarm sensor that detects the lowest decibel of sound. I should be sleeping more soundly with this new system in place but I’m finding it very difficult to give up control. I can’t hear the snoring anymore so I’m up a few times at night checking on him. I got the diagnosis after my husband had left and the ENT prognosis was devastating. So I find myself staying up late reading and researching how to help my son. All I have is a 30 minute computer screen conversation with my honey each night. And really it’s to check in with the kids about their day and I’m in the background cleaning, organizing, hiding my pain. I have so many things I want to share with him and find myself envious of this new life he’s creating. I miss him like the flowers miss the sunshine, like peanut butter misses bread, crackers miss cheese you get the picture as I sit here and wax poetic on my life and love for him. I miss how I feel when I’m with him, how no matter what I feel it say the love he has for me is solid. I told him recently I sucked and I wasn’t a very good Mom and I was struggling with my confidence as the negative tapes of I’m not good enough play in my head. He simply replied you don’t suck, you rock, and I love you. Now really that’s love, I’m crying and diving into the emotions of the dark night of my soul and he’s there reassuring, loving, caring, and talking me through it. I miss not having control in my life as I’ve carved out this comfortable little existence where I know where, when, and what’s going to happen. I juggle school, home, actives, appointments, and assessment after assessment for my kids. And now I have zero control as I wait for my home to sell, wait for a new home to buy, and wait to find someone and something to help my son. So I talk, I cry, I vent to my husband who believes if you have control then deal with it, if you can’t then let it go. Great advice, and easy enough to follow if you’re not a control freak like me!!! So as hard as it is I’m letting go and letting God deal with it. And I’m taking this time to really be honest with myself and others. I miss my husband and this is the first time I’ve admitted it to myself. He is and always will be my soft place to fall when I feel completely lost, vulnerable, I am and always will be loved. So time to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it and this becomes my affirmation of the day. I will get through this difficult time, I will survive another day, I will hug and love my kids a lot longer and a lot better
each day. I will dig deep and find that strong, pure, love for myself because tough times don’t last, tough people do.