consciousness « House of A Writer

Miss

by Jeanine Lebsack

What did I miss today with my head in the clouds or my nose in a book? Sometimes life travels at the speed of light and I have to slow things down and appreciate those moments that might pass me by.

It feels wonderful to unplug and feel the smooth pages of my next adventure to get lost in. I can go to any coffee shop, restaurant, or theatre and find people with faces in their phone scenery. When I look up at the sky and see the endless possibilities as the sun sets to signal the end of a day.
Or the beauty of a sunrise as I’m traveling down the road to my next destination. Feeling that sun kiss my face and bathe in it’s stunning glow is a gift from heaven. I can read, write, and wax poetic about this feeling yet to experience it puts all my efforts to shame. I will miss experiencing my children’s giggles as they entertain each other with their antics on a long road trip when we’re awake before the sun.

I have to look up and see the tapestry of my life that I’ve woven carefully with each golden thread. Friends that smile and wish you all the best and reach out to me and I feel that happiness. What will I miss if I give into my fears and let the anxiety overwhelm me into tears. I would miss that special moments between my love and I those conversations that help me when I want to cry.

Life is too short to keep my head down and try to escape. When I look up I can see smiles instead of judgement. It’s easy to get lost and think it’s all in my head. When I get too introspective and have nothing but dread.

This stream of conscious thought has turned into something more. Free running thoughts untangling themselves from the jumble in my mind to turn into poetry or prose. It all feels the same as when the feeling takes over and I’m held captive with how healing my words have become.

These mindful moments have taught me to look up instead of down, look within instead around. Let love heal you, when you’d rather run and hide. You’ll never know what you’ll miss if you give into foolish pride.

This Saturday stream of conscious thought is from the lovely Linda G Hill. Today’s word prompt is miss and this is my version as I write on a family road trip. Thanks for journeying with me today as I clear out the cobwebs of my mind.

life

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I got my eye on you

by Jeanine Lebsack

I peek out from behind my pillow and I say I can see you peekaboo. And I’m met with the most beautiful smile and infectious laughter. We’ve been playing this game since my son was a baby. It never gets old as I add in puppets, different voices, and stuffed animals to join the party. His favourite thing to do now is put on a puppet show for our family. We sit down on the couch eagerly awaiting whatever joyful exuberance he has woven together. “Ladies and gentleman today we’re here for Mickey’s play house puppet show!”

The happiness I see on his face as he jumps wildly in the air from his mini trampoline fill my heart to the brim. He uses different characters and voices to entertain. How he plays, acts, and draws you in with his cute little voice sounding like a soprano when female, and then low and guttural when he switches characters to masculine. He is living in themoment and you can’t help but get swept up in his love of drama and all things Disney. One moment he’s singing the Hot Dog, hot diggity dog song next he’s singing Let it go at the top of his lungs! My son’s joy is music he lets it fill him up with the tones, lyrics, and rhythm.

Having fun trying on Dad’s goalie helmet. ??

He picks out music patterns quicker than any other child his age. Something that his former music teacher was astounded by. It didn’t surprise me though music is a beautiful sensory experience. And one thing my son knows how to do is enjoy any positive sensory experience he can. So peekaboo never gets old as I pop around corners and say “I’ve got my eye on you, peekaboo.” He will pop out the pantry, underneath a blanket, or from behind a couch cushion. He lives for the surprise, joy, and play. He will curl up in my lap and will ask me to sing him a song. I’ll start the first few bars of Twinkle, twinkle and he’ll finish it. I love hearing his sweet gentle voice, that rises and falls, with the flow of the music.

My son will ask me for his favourite tune which he calls the “Yes song.” Most of you know it by Meatloaf’s You took the words right out of my moth. He will sing right along with me, and answer affirmatively when I ask him if he he would offer his throat to the wolf with the red roses. He adores this song and when we go out to do errands he yell “yes song please Mommy!” My son’s love of life and keeping his eye on the wonderful things like puffy clouds that look like dinosaurs, sparkles that act like fairy dust, and whip cream that tickles his nose, when he drinks his hot chocolate. He makes me catch my breath with love and wonder when I see the magic of life through his eyes.

He constantly teaches me new things when we take a walk and play eye spy with my little eye. He see things that others don’t see eagles nests high up in the trees, and a fish flopping on the rocks trying to make it back into the water. How he can dance circles around the room when he hears a beat that just makes him move and groove fills my heart. He teaches me as much as I teach him at the tender age of almost four. I look into his eyes and see love there and it makes me want to be a better person than I was yesterday. I love him so, and if you’ll excuse me it’s time to play another rousing game of Peek-a-boo I see you.

This has been my submission for https://lindaghill.com SOCS please see what she wrote and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. ?

life

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Attachment

by Jeanine Lebsack

I think we’re all attached to something in life, in one way or another. I’m personally attached to my love for my family, accolades on my writing, and to characters in books I’ve read. I’ve been so attached to the outcome of a movie I’ve been transfixed by my tv. I think there are healthy attachments and unhealthy ones as well. I will focus on the healthy ones as my love for my husband and our children.

They’re attached to my heart in a way I never believed possible. When I walked down the aisle to my future husband, being led by my loving parents was a magical moment. I felt their attachment to me being the youngest and the last one to marry. I felt attached to them and their love and guidance over the years. As I was leaving them behind as an adult and attaching to my future with my husband to be. The first moment I saw my precious babies come into the world I was attached to my love for them, and how I would guide and protect them as my parents did me.

Now I’ll focus on unhealthy attachments as I think both bases should be covered. I was once attached to an unhealthy relationship. I thought he was an ideal boyfriend. He was the quarter back of the football team, volunteer in the community, and had a small part time business while attending high school. I fell for him pretty hard especially when he buttered me up with fantastic comments. They were good for my ego but not for me. He started out all sweet and charming and had met my family I was living with at the time.

As our relationship progressed I noticed little signs of his manipulation. He spent money on me lavishly. I had my hair and nails done, he loved going shopping with me while I tried on outfit after outfit. I loved all the attention and my kind nature over rode my impulsive one at times, while I said stop, I can’t afford to pay you back. He constantly dismissed me and what he called my foolish notions. My reality came crashing down when we were going away on a school trip. He arrived to pick me up and he was very sullen and quiet.

Due to it being very early in the morning I understood, and continued to babble on about my excitement. We got to our destination and we’re boarding the bus and he goes to the back, and sits with a friend. So I’m thinking this is strange and I sit with some people I knew. After a long ride we finally arrive at the location and I walk up to him and hold his hand. He shrugged me off and says “no, not here” so I let him go. I soon learned that this was the beginning of the end.

I don’t really know anyone but a couple of people and my new boyfriend. I gravitate towards them and try to fit in. I feel really dejected as this is a very close knit group of people. I grab my gear as I’m on a camping trip out in the wilderness, and head up the hill. I set up camp and sit down to build a fire. I gather rocks, twigs, and dead leaves. I’m not the best tent builder so I turn around to adjust it and this wind blows out of nowhere.

I suddenly smell burning as I’m trying to hold onto my tent from blowing away! The wind gust has blown sparks all around and my campsite is starting on fire! I trying to grab blankets and beat them out and I end up spreading them and a spark blows up into my hair!!! I’m freaked out right now and screaming while grabbing my water bottles. Suddenly there’s a noise as a stampede of people comes running through the trees. I’m shocked at their arrival as the smelled the smoke and came running. I try to explain that I didn’t intentionally try to burn down the forest, but with the tinder dry conditions things happened very quickly.

My teachers start gathering my supplies and I look over at my boyfriend (who could be my ex by this time) and he looks mortified. It’s amazing isn’t it how I started this post out about how I’m in love and attached to my family, and my past attachments come trickling in? Now that’s a story and experience I must learn to detach from. It goes to show you where I learned to appreciate negative attachments to more positive ones. And there’s a few more stories in between me getting to that realization. As they say that’s a story for another day, and another stream of conscious thought.

This has been my submission to
http://lindaghill.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/13/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-february-1415/
I know it’s Sunday and I’m posting this now. I posted as a draft and forget to change it to publishing. I’m attached to being involved as I love Linda’s Saturday Stream of Consciousness.

life

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Sadness

by Jeanine Lebsack

I’m so relieved I got through this day. I had two hockey games, six trips back and forth and stressful moments. I was finally home and then I went for a nice walk with my sister. We talked about life, love, and memories of our Dad.

He died six years ago today and I don’t know how that time passed. It felt like it stood still for me for a long time. I hold my breath waiting to exhale and heal from this grief. One thing I know is it takes one day at a time. And with great love comes great sorrow. I wonder who I’ll be without the grief, will I even recognize myself? All I know is I keep on living and being the best me I can be. And with that knowledge I know I honour his memory and heal my heart a little more each time.

So I’m thinking of him and enjoyed a nice dinner with my lovely sister and niece, and we toasted to him and all our wonderful memories. It’s so hard just having the memories to cherish, and not the person to hold. So many days, months, and years have passed and I found myself hanging onto precious moments. As they’re all I have now, which hurts more than having to say goodbye.

I pray I don’t forget his laughter, as he had a belly laugh that started at his toes and lifted you up in love and delight. He could curse a blue streak and smile mischievously, he could whistle a tune of anything he heard on the radio and know it by ear.

He loved with a heart as vast as the ocean and would give his shirt off his back to anyone who needed it. Even if it left him naked, and cold. He loved to be helpful and kind, and it’s from him that I learned to pay it forward regardless if there was any reciprocation. He gave with every ounce of his being and still wanted to give more! He taught me what it was to be a humanitarian and see the big picture of things instead of judgement.

I love, miss, cherish, and admire the man he was and the man he was becoming. Thinking of my Dad inspired this poem. Hugs to you in heaven Dad. I know it’s a better place up there with you in it. ❤️

This has been my submission to
https://lindaghill.files.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/wp_20150130_009.png for her Saturday Stream of Consciousness. The prompt was the opposite emotion. I chose the opposite of happy and wrote about sadness.

life

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Heal

by Jeanine Lebsack

There are so many parts of me that need to heal. My heart which isn’t as broken as I thought, but cracked and held together with glue and a band aid. My mind which I’ve allowed to overpower me with negative thoughts, and guilt.

My body which hasn’t been the same since my back injury so long ago brought on by grieving for my dear Dad, and saving my son from a near drowning.

My soul which when it’s my time to meet God and enter the Kingdom of heaven, that I will have absolved all my sins and righted my wrongs. I know I was put on this earth for a great reason.

I’ve spent years trying to figure that out as I was a very introspective child. I was hear to speak, sing, and write my truth. I feel this burning passion inside me to write my book of survival, to help people discover their truth, and to make a difference in the world. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be an entertainer.

I spent countless hours writing after school, stories, songs, poems, and plays. Literature fascinated me as I could dive into my books and get lost for hours. When my parents ended their twenty-four year marriage after raising six children, and myself being the last one I felt immense guilt over it. So why should a precious, precocious, little girl of four years old feel such a trip.

I just thought if I was better they would’ve stayed together. I didn’t sleep a lot as a child, I had visions and spirit visitors that needed to be near me. It never scared me it just was natural to me. I stayed up late a lot of nights with my Mom watching black and white movies in the dark. I thought it I could just go to sleep without anyone invading my dreams then my parents would’ve had a better marriage.

I wish I didn’t lay awake at night hearing the screaming, crying, doors slamming and the sound of a body falling to the floor. But I did I heard all of it, and I never told a soul. Well a living breathing one that is, I need to heal from this childhood trauma. It wasn’t my fault that my parents marriage ended.

They had a lot of love for each other, but over the years the respect was gone. My Dad as dear as he was to me, checked out a long time ago. He was there in body but in spirit he was on another planet.

By the time he was forty-five he had six children. He told me he always wanted a big family, being the oldest of seven he didn’t know any different. And my Mom being an only child felt lonely a lot, and prayed to find someone to love and have a big family.

And so these two star crossed lovers were destined to meet, create a family, and not last. I need to heal from their love story ending. It’s what I based my whole life upon a strong relationship, effective communication, and mutual love and respect.

They had it all at one time but unfortunately it wasn’t enough. I tried so hard to be better, and for a while there I thought I was going to heal. Then my Dad moved in with his girlfriend and took on another family. I knew that was the beginning of the end for me. I would not, could not accept that this was his new life.

So I fought furiously and bitterly and wrote story after story of becoming the heroine of my words. Saving everyone from the crashing and burning. I was only four years old so what could I do?

I need to heal from the pain, guilt, and suffering I’ve put myself through. It can never be too late to heal my inner child, treat her with kindness, and let her blossom with beauty and kindness and release her on gossamer wings to finally be free.

This has been my submission to http://Lindaghill.com Saturday Stream of consciousness. Please see what her beautiful brain wrote, and all the other talent that link up. Thank you for being here today. ❤️

life

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Consumed

by Jeanine Lebsack

I have been consumed as of late by every little thought, action that I make. I have struggled to get my sons the help they need from Doctors, professionals, the school, and now support services. I had to move out of the province to find the support they needed. And now it’s finally coming to be, as I met with my Dr and begged him to help my sons with their anxiety and neurological disorders one diagnosed, and one pending. It’s been a long haul for my family as I’ve been consumed with keeping the peace in my home and beyond. My Dr came through since I’ve received minimal help from my former province. So he’s wrote a referral for my kids to see a developmental paediatrician, and we will start the process in January. I’ve also qualified and have had respite care so Mama can get a break too. And starting next week my husband and will able to have a scheduled date night as well. I haven’t felt like the best wife for some time now, because it’s so hard when I’m consumed with keeping everyone calm. And when we’re not then it just feels like hell on earth. The screaming, crying, whining, sensory overloaded meltdowns drain me of my life force. I feel old, tired, and completely spent with nothing left to give. I’ve felt consumed over my children and have left my husband on the proverbial back burner. I’ve felt torn over my love for him and how much I love and need to be there for our kids. He’s always there loving, helping, and cheering me on as I fight battle after battle. And yet I’m too exhausted to really appreciate it. It’s not fair for either of us but it’s our lives and we make the good and not so good times work. It’s all about balance and not letting each of us get too consumed. Him with his work, me with our kids health, my oldest with his anxiety, and our youngest with his fears. This Christmas I was prepared I had the sensory tools, all the calming regulating techniques with music, fidgets, and the electronic devices charged and ready. And my kids did great, they slept in Christmas morning due to all the excitement the night before. My husband’s family celebrates with Danish tradition and that’s complete with a turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and then presents after. So it was a treat to sip my tea and Bailey’s and read while enjoying the Christmas tree and softly falling snow outside. This was my first moment of peace and contentment and I was happy to share it with my love. I wasn’t consumed about anything no presents to wrap, no breakfast to make, no occupational therapy schedule to plan, just pure happiness. After our kids woke up we enjoyed their excitement as they dived into their Santa gifts and I enjoyed his goodies in my stocking too. We had a lovely breakfast prepared by my Father in-law and after cleanup I played outside in the snow with my sons. We had so much fun making snow angels, running, rolling, and jumping off the deck into beautiful fresh powder.

It was truly what my mind, body, and spirit needed. I looked at the mountains consumed with their beauty and marvelled at how lucky I was to grow up with this in my backyard. Now I can share in this luxury with my children as we have to drive now to see the mountains up close. There are moments in time that truly takes my breath away, and this was one. I wanted to stop and freeze time and become consumed with this love. My tummy was full, my heart was filled, and my spirit was rejoicing in the magic of Christmas. Blessings to you all as you enjoy the very best of this beautiful season.

This has been my submission the lovely http://lindaghill.com. Please check out her post and all the other talent that links up. Happy new year my dear readers. ?❤️

life

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Present

by Jeanine Lebsack

It is a gift to stay in the present. My mind tends to wander to the what if scenarios in life. What if I sleep in and my son’s late for school, what if I stay up late and sabotage my tomorrow, what if I really stopped caring what people thought about me and my parenting. Staying in the present is something I’ve struggled with all my life. I was the empathic child that worried about everything. Than I became worried about my worrying. I could see and feel the thoughts that weren’t being said. And that made it difficult for me as I believed the truth even when it wasn’t being spoken. So many times I remember hearing “don’t worry your pretty little head about it!” Well if I had stayed in the present I wouldn’t need to be reminded of that. What does going against the grain of living outside the present give me? What’s my payoff? Am I treated better or worse, or is it just a way of life for me that feels like home? Questions and questions till the end of time plague my mind. I’ve realized that those beautiful present moments are the most precious ones I’ll ever have. Love and hugs from my children, smiles and laughter from my friends, and that soft tender embrace while I’m crying in my dear husbands arms. I recently received some upsetting news concerning my health. As hard as it was I had to stay in the present moment. I had to hear what the optometrist was telling me, take her advice, be proactive and get the tests done. I had to hold myself together and not cry in front of my son, while I was being told not to worry. As much as I wanted to pack a bag and run away I stood strong and faced my fear. I have no control over this health condition, genetics are what they are, and realizing that in the present will help make my future better. So will I always worry, well that’s like l asking if the sun will come out tomorrow. I will be proactive and deal with the things I can control, and let go of the things I can’t. I will give myself that grace, opportunity, to self reflect and decide what’s really a future worry or a present moment. I owe that to myself, my family, and my friends to not be what iffing myself into a constant state of anxiety and agitation. So now I take a deep breath in and exhale the fear and inhale the truth. Very wise and wonderful advice from my dear friend Amber. And the more time I spend in the present, the more in control of my destiny I am. So I will give myself that beautiful gift of presence, power, and positivity in the present.

This has been my submission to the lovely http://lindaghill.com for Saturday’s Stream of Consciousness who’s presently on vacation. The prompt was the word present, chosen by her friend Helen. Check out hers and all the other talent that link up. Thank you. ?

life

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Sense

by Jeanine Lebsack

I have always been able to sense things whether it’s from people, animals, or situations. It’s been a gift that I’ve had as a child. Some may know it as being intuitive, highly sensitive, psychic, or empathic. Whatever you want to call it, the gift bestowed on me has governed my life. My beloved Mama, Gram, and her sisters knew of my ability. They knew of the dreams, vibrations, and auras I had seen. They protected me a lot as they knew not all children displayed these abilities. I didn’t share a lot about what I could sense to family or friends. I remember a friend who lost her sweet dog telling me she missed him so much. I said “why, he’s right there on your lap.” We didn’t talk for awhile after that, and her Mom contacted my Mom and I had to say I made it up to make her feel better. My Mom of course knew different, but in the end it was about protecting me about that knowledge. I did really see the dog on my friends lap, just like I seen my beloved dog Bo after my bus driver ran him over. I’ve seen my great Grandma without knowing who she was, since she passed when I was 3 years old. I was looking through my brothers photo album and saw her picture, so I told my Mom that lady with the pink hat has tea with me and my dollies. Having this sense of knowing things before they happen, dreaming of loved ones that have died, and feel vibrations from people when they talked or stood next to me, could be unnerving at times. To me it was normal and my Mom, Gram, and her sisters never treated me any differently. Because they knew what this was like as they were the same as children. I still have a cousin that has regular visit from our clan up above. And knowing that and having my contact with them is comforting. I couldn’t explain to a lot of people what that felt like to just see my beloved parents in dreams or in reality, and know I couldn’t keep them with me. This sensing they’re around me brings me joy, hearing my Gram’s voice singing along with mine, while I’m singing Danny Boy is a beautiful gift. I never shared this sense while I was growing up either out of fear of ridicule. It wasn’t till I was in my 20’s and I moved to a new town that I found people like me. With even more powerful abilities and I remain steadfast friends with them to this day. I belonged to a meditation group for 5 years led by the most charismatic, gifted woman I’ve ever met. They became my family, my tribe, and my life line as my heart was being buffeted by the winds of change. I’ve always had this sense that I’m destined for great things. God has willed it for me from the family I have, people I’ve met, friendships that I’ve made, and like minded souls I’ve connected with online. I don’t feel weird anymore, and I’m not scared to talk about this gift I was born with. Being aware and embracing this sense has influenced my life greatly. I know when I’m supposed to avoid something or someone, I know when the right time to travel is, I even know when there’s a police car around. So this sense has been life saving, life altering, and life giving to me and my loved ones. I’ve even passed it down to my sons as they sense vibrations, dream, and see things that others don’t. And I protect them just like my beloved Mom and Gram protected me. I also teach them to never be ashamed of who they are or what they see. This sense is passed down from many generations on my Mom’s side of the family tree. My Gram called the all knowing Irish eye, and it’s a gift that we have been blessed to have. So I’m thankful for my Irish heritage that has been apart of me before I was even born. And my ancestors that blessed me with this incredible sense.

This has been my submission to http://lindaghill.com Saturday Stream of Consciousness. Check out her creativity with the prompt (sense, cents) and all the other talent that link up. Smooches and hugs to you. ❤️

life

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Element

by Jeanine Lebsack

I am in my element when I’m creating whether that’s writing, singing, writing a song, listening to music, and on stage performing. These are my passions in life, things I do that make me feel whole and complete. I’m also in my element when I’m with my friends. Talking, laughing, enjoying a cup of tea and scrapbooking. I’ve been struggling as of late because I don’t have this in my life at the moment. I’ve moved and I’m starting out on a new journey so there’s always some growing pains when I do this. I’ve made a few friends but we’re in that “getting to know you stage,”and juggling our families, school activities, and households. I miss those carefree days when my sweet Mama friend and I would go shopping and end our adventure with a stop at Starbucks. Or when my spiritual friend and I would stay up late drinking wine and reading our angel cards. When I’m dancing with my sweet sisters of the dance, learning new routines, moves, and channeling my inner burlesque Goddess I’m in my element. When I’m around people I’m in my element. Not big crowds though they make me nervous and overwhelmed. I love to be around people to listen to, watch, and converse with. Lately I’ve been in protective mode and somewhat of a loner. I was surrounded by people last night when I was on a subway train going to the Fleetwood Mac concert. I was so excited, and also hypersensitive to my surroundings. Being on a crowded train as an empath, locked inside a metal tube speeding down the track had me definitely out of my element!!! I could hear the cacophony of their mixed voices, languages, and feel every vibration they were emitting. My astrological sign is Taurus ,the earth element so I’m grounded, balanced, and solid. I didn’t feel that way at all, in that moment on the subway train. So I turned to my writing and started furiously typing away trying to think, breathe, and ground myself. It helped me, then I zoned out and stared at this Garth Brooks poster in front of me. If your a fan he has a new CD out Man against the Machine released after a 13 year hiatus from country music. I love his music, his story telling, his wonderful energy as a person. Definitely a must have for my Christmas wish list. So while I was balancing myself out from all the energy swirling around me, I missed my stop!!! I started to panic and then I remembered my spiritual element and breathed new life into my purpose of getting to the concert!!! One thing I learned is the North bound train always goes back to where it came from, so then I got off on the proper stop. I arrived and followed a crowd of people towards the din of excitement emanating from the arena. I arrived breathless at my seat and looked all around me, I was so emotional I burst into tears. I was really there, even with my mistake in missing my stop, and I was happy. Then the music started playing, my beautiful sister and her sweet friend arrived,and I was back in my element. As the sweet sounds of The Chain filled the building and I was lost in my sensory pleasing feeling of their music. And I began to dance and feel all my cares just slip away into the ethers. What a magical experience, so happy I crossed that off my bucket list. ???

This has been my submission to Saturday Stream of Consciousness. The prompt was the word element. This is brought you by the lovely http://lindaghill.com check out her thoughts and all the other blogger talent that link up. Big squeezes sent your way. ❤️