House of A Writer

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

Dec 28

Consumed

by Jeanine Lebsack

I have been consumed as of late by every little thought, action that I make. I have struggled to get my sons the help they need from Doctors, professionals, the school, and now support services. I had to move out of the province to find the support they needed. And now it’s finally coming to be, as I met with my Dr and begged him to help my sons with their anxiety and neurological disorders one diagnosed, and one pending. It’s been a long haul for my family as I’ve been consumed with keeping the peace in my home and beyond. My Dr came through since I’ve received minimal help from my former province. So he’s wrote a referral for my kids to see a developmental paediatrician, and we will start the process in January. I’ve also qualified and have had respite care so Mama can get a break too. And starting next week my husband and will able to have a scheduled date night as well. I haven’t felt like the best wife for some time now, because it’s so hard when I’m consumed with keeping everyone calm. And when we’re not then it just feels like hell on earth. The screaming, crying, whining, sensory overloaded meltdowns drain me of my life force. I feel old, tired, and completely spent with nothing left to give. I’ve felt consumed over my children and have left my husband on the proverbial back burner. I’ve felt torn over my love for him and how much I love and need to be there for our kids. He’s always there loving, helping, and cheering me on as I fight battle after battle. And yet I’m too exhausted to really appreciate it. It’s not fair for either of us but it’s our lives and we make the good and not so good times work. It’s all about balance and not letting each of us get too consumed. Him with his work, me with our kids health, my oldest with his anxiety, and our youngest with his fears. This Christmas I was prepared I had the sensory tools, all the calming regulating techniques with music, fidgets, and the electronic devices charged and ready. And my kids did great, they slept in Christmas morning due to all the excitement the night before. My husband’s family celebrates with Danish tradition and that’s complete with a turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and then presents after. So it was a treat to sip my tea and Bailey’s and read while enjoying the Christmas tree and softly falling snow outside. This was my first moment of peace and contentment and I was happy to share it with my love. I wasn’t consumed about anything no presents to wrap, no breakfast to make, no occupational therapy schedule to plan, just pure happiness. After our kids woke up we enjoyed their excitement as they dived into their Santa gifts and I enjoyed his goodies in my stocking too. We had a lovely breakfast prepared by my Father in-law and after cleanup I played outside in the snow with my sons. We had so much fun making snow angels, running, rolling, and jumping off the deck into beautiful fresh powder.

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It was truly what my mind, body, and spirit needed. I looked at the mountains consumed with their beauty and marvelled at how lucky I was to grow up with this in my backyard. Now I can share in this luxury with my children as we have to drive now to see the mountains up close. There are moments in time that truly takes my breath away, and this was one. I wanted to stop and freeze time and become consumed with this love. My tummy was full, my heart was filled, and my spirit was rejoicing in the magic of Christmas. Blessings to you all as you enjoy the very best of this beautiful season.

This has been my submission the lovely http://lindaghill.com. Please check out her post and all the other talent that links up. Happy new year my dear readers. ?❤️

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Dec 20

Excuses

by Jeanine Lebsack

I’ve been filling my life with excuses and now it’s starting to catch up with me. I’ve said I didn’t get all my laundry folded and put away because I was the toy police and making my little ones clean up their rooms. As I watched my hubby spread the laundry from the washer, dryer, to the floor. And those 2 loads quickly became 6. ? My laundry and I have a prison relationship, I’m either it’s bitch or she’s mine. I’ve made excuses about why I stay up late because of my sons sleep apnea, a house to tidy, or that never ending laundry basket to conquer. Truthfully I love that still quiet time in the darkness, that’s just for me alone. I listen to everyone sleeping, snoring, and breathing. As in always on alert for when I’m needed. You’ve never known helplessness until you hold your child in your arms and shake them awake, to get them breathing. I’ve made excuses about my sons sensory condition so I don’t have to be overwhelmed with meeting people with neurotypical lives. I know that sounds harsh, but for most part it’s true. A lot of Moms at those playgroups don’t have to worry about their child bashing and crashing into other kids when they’re seeking sensory input. And here I love to write, share, and interact, with you all and I’ve been asked if I’ve any of my blogs published. The answer is no they haven’t, other than a guest blog I was honoured to write for the lovely Brain. So why wouldn’t I want to see myself published on a social media? I’ve made the excuse I don’t know how to go about making it happen, or my writing’s not that good. All excuses because of my fear of rejection, truth is I’ve submitted to well know publishing giants and a Mommy blog with a huge following. And I’ve received no reply, nothing, nada, zilch not even thank you but no thank you email. I’ve made excuses with my heart too, like my 6 year long grieving period. I’ve learned that grief comes in waves, so over time I’m learning how to surf them. But what happens if I heal from my grief, who does that make me, and what do I become without that crushing loss in my life affecting me? My husband has even made excuses for me like I don’t like to get lost so I don’t go far. So he’ll drive so I don’t have to panic if I make the wrong turn. What can I say anxiety a bitch, and fear is an evil dictator. It’s gotten better since SIRI came into my life. I’ve done more road trips since her introduction in the last 4 months than I have in 4 years!!! I’ve gotten tired of my excuses of putting myself last because I wanted to be a better wife and Mom. My marriage has suffered because I’ve made the excuse I’ve needing to be there for our children than putting my husband first once in a while. When you have kids with neurological conditions excuses can become your life. When life becomes too difficult at home, you manage, survive on whiffs of consciousness and capabilities. It’s easier to make excuses about not leaving the house, or my youngest son not making friends because I’m wrapped up in the fear of what could happen. Or every time we have to move with my husbands career, I have to make the excuse that even though I’ve enjoyed my time I’m excited for a new adventure. Lies, lies, lies, as I say the words but they don’t register in my brain. My heart’s racing and my mind’s reeling with the anxiety of having to start over again. Will these excuses ever get old, will I get sick of them and just start living without using them as a crutch? Well everyday in every way I’m getting better, and I won’t make an excuse about that anymore. So I’ll just keep on fighting my fears and doing it anyways.

This has been my submission to http://lindaghill.com Saturday Stream of Consciousness. While Linda’s traveling her lovely friend has used the prompt excuse. Check out all the talent that’s linked up. Thank you for stopping by. ?

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Nov 29

Sense

by Jeanine Lebsack

I have always been able to sense things whether it’s from people, animals, or situations. It’s been a gift that I’ve had as a child. Some may know it as being intuitive, highly sensitive, psychic, or empathic. Whatever you want to call it, the gift bestowed on me has governed my life. My beloved Mama, Gram, and her sisters knew of my ability. They knew of the dreams, vibrations, and auras I had seen. They protected me a lot as they knew not all children displayed these abilities. I didn’t share a lot about what I could sense to family or friends. I remember a friend who lost her sweet dog telling me she missed him so much. I said “why, he’s right there on your lap.” We didn’t talk for awhile after that, and her Mom contacted my Mom and I had to say I made it up to make her feel better. My Mom of course knew different, but in the end it was about protecting me about that knowledge. I did really see the dog on my friends lap, just like I seen my beloved dog Bo after my bus driver ran him over. I’ve seen my great Grandma without knowing who she was, since she passed when I was 3 years old. I was looking through my brothers photo album and saw her picture, so I told my Mom that lady with the pink hat has tea with me and my dollies. Having this sense of knowing things before they happen, dreaming of loved ones that have died, and feel vibrations from people when they talked or stood next to me, could be unnerving at times. To me it was normal and my Mom, Gram, and her sisters never treated me any differently. Because they knew what this was like as they were the same as children. I still have a cousin that has regular visit from our clan up above. And knowing that and having my contact with them is comforting. I couldn’t explain to a lot of people what that felt like to just see my beloved parents in dreams or in reality, and know I couldn’t keep them with me. This sensing they’re around me brings me joy, hearing my Gram’s voice singing along with mine, while I’m singing Danny Boy is a beautiful gift. I never shared this sense while I was growing up either out of fear of ridicule. It wasn’t till I was in my 20’s and I moved to a new town that I found people like me. With even more powerful abilities and I remain steadfast friends with them to this day. I belonged to a meditation group for 5 years led by the most charismatic, gifted woman I’ve ever met. They became my family, my tribe, and my life line as my heart was being buffeted by the winds of change. I’ve always had this sense that I’m destined for great things. God has willed it for me from the family I have, people I’ve met, friendships that I’ve made, and like minded souls I’ve connected with online. I don’t feel weird anymore, and I’m not scared to talk about this gift I was born with. Being aware and embracing this sense has influenced my life greatly. I know when I’m supposed to avoid something or someone, I know when the right time to travel is, I even know when there’s a police car around. So this sense has been life saving, life altering, and life giving to me and my loved ones. I’ve even passed it down to my sons as they sense vibrations, dream, and see things that others don’t. And I protect them just like my beloved Mom and Gram protected me. I also teach them to never be ashamed of who they are or what they see. This sense is passed down from many generations on my Mom’s side of the family tree. My Gram called the all knowing Irish eye, and it’s a gift that we have been blessed to have. So I’m thankful for my Irish heritage that has been apart of me before I was even born. And my ancestors that blessed me with this incredible sense.

This has been my submission to http://lindaghill.com Saturday Stream of Consciousness. Check out her creativity with the prompt (sense, cents) and all the other talent that link up. Smooches and hugs to you. ❤️

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Nov 23

In love

by Jeanine Lebsack

I am in love with my husband, we have been together for a long time and he still makes my heart skip a beat. I still get butterflies in my tummy when I make him laugh. Last night we lay in bed talking about how much fun we had at our wedding. It was a blast, a great party, and we didn’t even want to leave but they were shutting down the hall. After 9 years all those memories came flooding back to us and we wanted to relive it all over again. This to me is a gift, to be deeply in love after all the trials and tribulations, we’ve gone through in our years together. He has seen me through the deaths of my Grandparents, my one and only beloved Mom and Dad, and the suicide of my step sister. I have held his hand as he lost his biological Father, his Grandparents, and our best friend Marco who was like our brother, from another Mother. After everything that grief puts you through the heartache, stress, the feeling of being numb while your mind rattles around in your body, we have endured. I have known even when I was 12 years old and the first time I met him, he would be my forever.

“Love…it surrounds every being and extends slowly to embrace all that shall be.”

-Kahlil Gibran

I have grown up believing that things and people don’t last forever. But it’s very important to treat them like they do. We have carved out a wonderful life together, and in that time have had our beautiful sons join our journey. Our oldest who’s bravery, intelligence, and deep capacity to love constantly amaze me. And our youngest who’s life started so early with his premature birth, his courage, his heart, his natural comedic talent, his love for his family and friends moves me to tears. I am so in love and connected with our sons. I knew even in utero that they were meant to join my life. I had my oldest who is Daddy’s boy that would kick me awake as soon as he knew Daddy was home from hockey. And my youngest who is Mommy’s boy, when I was meditating would roll around till he was comfortable and then be completely still. I knew he was listening to my heart beat in perfect synchronicity with his own. I knew and felt this spiritual connection with my sons as my empathic nature does. Yet I feel they are my blessings and my lessons to learn in life. They are mine and my loves children yet they belong to God and the world. I see great things for our sons and by raising them with good morals, values, and a strong work ethic will be our greatest accomplishment. To see them grow up to be kind, genuine, strong, compassionate, loving men will fulfill my life’s purpose. It’s like my favorite philosopher and poet, Kahlil Gibran says in his book The Prophet

“You’re children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. They came through you but not from you, and though they are with you, and yet they
do not belong to you.

I read that to my Captain when he was only 2 months old as he looked into my eyes, and I was lost in the depths of wisdom. Very deep I know and I’ve read that passage countless times absorbing a new meaning each time. Sometimes my emotions overcome me by how much I’m in love with my family. They make me better a woman, wife, Mother, and sister. And with that knowledge I can learn to be more in love with myself.

This has been my submission to the lovely http://lindaghill.com Saturday Stream of Conscious thought. Check out what she wrote and all the other talent who link up. Thank you, many blessings to you my dear readers.

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life

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