Acting and other lies I tell myself

When I was a little girl I always wanted to be an actress. I remember late night movie watching with my Mom. We loved the classics of Audrey Hepburn, Lauren Bacall, and Marilyn Monroe. I felt happy and safe in that world of film. When I grew older and had opportunities to participate in school plays and Christmas concerts I jumped at the chance. 

 I memorized songs, dialogue, and full scripts for plays. Theatre had always been my first love and I joined a wonderful group and they quickly became my theatre family. I felt so loved and accepted there with my beloved Hope Pact. I sang with such confidence and determination. Then immersed myself into my character enjoying an Irish accent, and learning my lines, songs, while researching the history of my chosen role. 

Life has always been easier when I’m on my stage. I throw myself into the script and I don’t think of any outside influences. Now I still act but I’m in the background singing with a chorus or taking a secondary role. Where did the confidence go, why don’t I sing with grace and passion like I did before? 

Now I feel like I’m really acting avoiding the hurt I feel when someone has wronged me. I don’t lash out I don’t kick ass or take names like my personality would have me do before. I feel but I’m tending to hide the affects of those emotions more. I’ve always been a person who wore their heart on their sleeve. Which is still true but I act like I’m Teflon and things bounce right off of me. 

They don’t though, it’s just this one act play that has become my life of hiding those true thoughts and feelings. Does anyone care about all the tears I cry flooding my fragile ego until it sinks in an ocean of denial? This is my plight one I choose to accept and be proactive to change. Or continue on with acting and wearing those rose coloured glasses that impede my true vision.  The time to be real is now and stop acting like I’m wearing a titanium suit of armour. I will persevere I always do, find my voice again, sing with courage and conviction, and leave the actress on the stage where she belongs. 

Jeanine Lebsack

Writer, research assistant, podcaster, reiki healer, and a passionate advocate for neurodiversity. On my writing journey I’ve discovered a plethora of passions including writing, researching, entertaining through song and dance, with a desire to explore and create something transformational and healing. I believe in the sacred art of storytelling and that there’s power in the written and spoken word. Join me on my journey using the magic of words, music, and heart song. I believe we create ripples of energy that flow throughout the universe and by sharing our stories it creates change, positivity, and healing. Have a listen to my podcast on Spotify and Anchor at House of a Writer.

20 thoughts on “Acting and other lies I tell myself

  • 4 April 2016 at 7:28 pm
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    Poignant and beautifully written post!

    Leave the actress on stage where she belongs, but never forget why you wanted to be her. The fact that you’ve “lost” your passion for acting or singing could be that you’ve grown to a point where doing something that you love is more important than fully immersing yourself into a role and risk losing the beautiful soul that you are.

    Peace & love – Christine

    Reply
    • 4 April 2016 at 8:57 pm
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      Oh wow Christine I never thought of it that way thank you! I still love it I just was given more opportunities in my old theatre group. I miss how valuable and loved I was there. It’s all about growing pains but I’m feeling more confident now and I’ll be trying out for a lead role. Thank you so much for the lovely food for thought. ?

      Reply
      • 6 April 2016 at 9:29 pm
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        Glad I could help. I wish you luck with the Theatre World and I hope that you find the perfect role to match your vibrant personality.

        Take care and good luck!

        Reply
    • 6 April 2016 at 2:16 pm
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      Thank you honey I have more in the alphabet bull pen to write and post. ?❤️

      Reply
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  • 30 December 2016 at 7:09 pm
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    We act everyday. Sometimes with more confidence than others. I think I spent my wad of tolerance having to deal with difficult ‘family’ and being told how cute instead of beautiful I was.
    I tend to avoid crowds and those who I think are less accepting of the ‘real me’. Writing everyday helps. 😉

    Best to you. 🙂

    Reply
    • 31 December 2016 at 3:48 pm
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      I truly believe this. I love the quote from Shakespeare “all the worlds a stage and we are merely actors. My confidence is when I’m on stage nothing can touch me there in my theatre bubble. I’m always called cute too, it comes part and parcel because I’m short. Crowds are not my happy place I have to be on the outside looking in. One of my many quirks, I’m glad we can find joy and solace in our writing. ?

      Reply
  • 19 February 2018 at 4:18 am
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    Reply

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