Monday Musing-Riding the grief wave

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I’m a mixed tumble of messy emotions.  I don’t feel sad or cry everyday and there’s bursts of enthusiasm for life and all the wonderful things that make me happy. My family, friends, reading, writing, and creating something from nothing. Whether that’s in my kitchen or my craft room making something fills my happy bucket. 

Last year I suffered the loss of three special people in my life and just when I feel I’m dealing with my grief someone else dies! What do you do when you’re grieving during the month of love? Sometimes I can feel these emotions ebbing and flowing like the tides towards my heart. I can catch it in time or let it wash over me and fill me with overwhelming love or sadness. 

Sometimes it’s a mixture of both as this month has been difficult for me since the death of my parents. Seven years ago for my dearest Dad and five for my beloved Mama I had to say goodbye. Their leaving has left a huge hole in my heart in the shape of their love. I’ve done my best to live around that hole and create a new “normal.” Sometimes I succeed and then the grief wave threatens to pull me under again. Under the water where I’m drowning in emotion and struggling to breathe with the weight of my tears. 

I’ve been in counselling a lot of my life. I started when I was twelve in family therapy then continued on into adulthood. I still see someone when the urge arises and he thinks I need to deal with my grief instead of just trying to survive it. In the last ten years of my marriage my husband and I collectively had to say goodbye to ten loved ones. In the seven years since my Dad, step sisters, and my Mom’s deaths I’ve been in grief recovery in some form of another. Whether it was journaling, actively seeing a therapist, or in a support group. 

I’ve learned a lot about myself and I even wrote up a timeline of my happy and sad times in my life to track my triggers. The happiness is about feeling loved and discovering something new. The sadness always centres around a death in my life since I was three years old. I was born to older parents so I was around older people in my family tree. To me this was my life not anything unusual until I went to school and my friends parents were the same age as my older siblings! That was a shock as I never thought about all these special people leaving me. 

Some may say that dealing with death so young prepared me for the path I need to take to resilience. I have questioned my own mortality, mourned for a a young life snuffed out by tragic circumstances, and have wrote out my living will to prepare my family. I’ve learned a lot during this time of self reflection and pain yet still feel like there’s more to discover. As I carve out a new “normal” and live around this void in my heart. I keep taking it one step, one breath, one journey at a time. With all that I have lost I’ve gained more love, perspective and appreciation; for all the people who have touched my life on this earthly and heavenly plane and for that I’m grateful. 

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Jeanine Lebsack

Writer, research assistant, podcaster, reiki healer, and a passionate advocate for neurodiversity. On my writing journey I’ve discovered a plethora of passions including writing, researching, entertaining through song and dance, with a desire to explore and create something transformational and healing. I believe in the sacred art of storytelling and that there’s power in the written and spoken word. Join me on my journey using the magic of words, music, and heart song. I believe we create ripples of energy that flow throughout the universe and by sharing our stories it creates change, positivity, and healing. Have a listen to my podcast on Spotify and Anchor at House of a Writer.

17 thoughts on “Monday Musing-Riding the grief wave

  • 17 February 2016 at 1:50 pm
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    Grief does come in waves, some large, some small, and the triggers can be so many, often little things. I don’t think grief ends. It is a process often of peeling down layers. Thanks for this.

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    • 17 February 2016 at 5:48 pm
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      I agree Bob so many layers. Grief is deep love made possible by memories and emotions with no expiry date.

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  • 17 February 2016 at 9:43 pm
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    Grief is such an odd beast, and it strikes in the most peculiar ways at very odd times. Tiredness doesn’t help, though. I’m trying to remember that.

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    • 18 February 2016 at 3:25 am
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      It’s true I can be on top of the world and feeling great than a song, memory, or a tv commercial with a daughter hugging her parents will send me back into a abyss of sadness. I ride that wave and then continue on and take better care of my emotional and mental health. ❤️

      Reply
  • 19 February 2016 at 2:31 am
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    I believe its your soul still grieving…my dad has been gone since 83, my sister and brother since 2007 and my mom since 2012…..my soul cries all the time….some days I can’t stop it….the hole in my heart and soul is so deep that I feel it will never heal….they say time heals…I believe that time just makes it easier to deal with it….not any less painful…..and that’s all you can do is ride the wave..kat

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    • 19 February 2016 at 9:05 pm
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      I agree Kat, I will do so well and happily share my loved ones memories then BOOM I’m right back to soul ripping pain. Time acts as a bandaid for a broken heart because it has to. Time doesn’t heal in my opinion it just allows moments to pile up over top of the grief. Those layers form over memories, love, laughter, words spoken then a trigger happens and that wall is blasted away again. I’m sad for your loss of your loved ones all we can do is hold on while the wave of grief comes then allow their love to float us through life. ❤️

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      • 19 February 2016 at 9:14 pm
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        How true…..to feel the grief to me is the love I hold deeply for them….its such a crazy circle in life…love, loss, love, loss never ending…

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        • 19 February 2016 at 9:48 pm
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          Yes I always say with deep grief comes deep love. We love them so much that our soul yearns for them. Grief has no expiry date. ❤️

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          • 20 February 2016 at 2:23 am
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            We’re kindred souls on the same journey to heal our hearts and souls. ?

          • 20 February 2016 at 4:27 am
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            yes we are….and I am here for you….sending you hugs and peace…kat

          • 20 February 2016 at 4:32 am
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            As I am for you, hugs to you. ?

  • 25 February 2016 at 2:36 pm
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    Very heartfelt and moving post. I’m so sorry for your losses. I can only hope that your memories bring you peace and warmth. Many hugs from me to you.

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    • 25 February 2016 at 5:44 pm
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      Thank you so much Amanda. It’s been a long road of grief but it’s taught me to be resilient and that I’m stronger than I think I am. Hugs to you as well. ?

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      • 25 February 2016 at 6:22 pm
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        I can’t imagine such strength and am in awe and pride for you!

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        • 25 February 2016 at 11:37 pm
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          Wow that’s a beautiful compliment thank you so much! ?

          Reply
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