There are moments in time I’d like to freeze as my children are growing up so fast. One tells me I’m the mayor of Crazy Town (in our household it’s a real place) the other asks me such interesting questions about the Mir space station and will Steve Harvey ever host a Miss America pagent again? 

I still remember when they were babies and the circumstances that led up to me bringing them into the world. One two days late and long and skinny and purple as Barney the dinosaur. The cord was wrapped around his neck and his head was too wide to engage down into the birth canal. He had the brightest eyes and watched my every move as fascinated with me as I was with him. Oh how I loved him I knew he was waiting for me all along. 

I have to pause that moment when he squeezed my finger and looked up into my eyes as it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Now he’s 4″8 and soon will be height at nine years old and towering over me by the time he’s licenced to drive. His little brother made his scary and rapid appearance before I had a chance to prepare for it. I knew nothing about early onset labor and all that will follow having a premature baby. 

I have to press play on my memory bank as those two weeks of having my baby in the hospital NICU are a blur of emotions. He came into the world sleeping the OBGYN actually woke him up as he cut him out of me and lifted him over top of the blue sheet. He was like a little loaf of bread all curled up and he made this meowing sound and I burst out laughing. I looked at my husband and said “did our baby just meow?”

Then the whole OR started laughing and it broke the thick as ice tension with the seriousness of my son’s early arrival. He was such a mystery to me and didn’t open up his eyes for five days. Then when he did I felt like I could see all the wonders of the world. My baby had an old soul and he looked at me as if to say it’s ok Mom I’ve done this before. 

The love I had in that moment enveloped me like a warm mist floating through me and all around as I was lost in the swirling rainbow of emotions. I have to pause that moment in time as everything I read about Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet came flooding back to me. 

Your children are not your children.

They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not of you. 

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

For such a young little life he had this wisdom about him and I was captured by it. When we brought him home he completed our family with his gentleness. It took him two more weeks to find his voice as he was quiet and serious. It was like he was taking every moment in of his new world and didn’t want to miss a minute of it to sleep. We settled into our family of four and I went into grief recovery as my Mom had died five weeks prior to my baby’s birth. 

I felt so much guilt because I loved her so much I couldn’t hold onto my pregnancy. I wanted to pause the last moment I had with her as I told her we were expecting again. The warmth in her hands as she squeezed mine, and the glow in her eyes was my most cherished moment with her. 

I know she watches over my children and wants our greatest gift to be our happiness. Cuddling with my husband while watching our kids entertain us with their antics these are the moments I’d love to pause and hold them in their youth a little longer. 

This had been my Stream of Consciousness Saturday with Linda G Hill as part of Just Jot January posting everyday for the month. Today’s prompt was the word pause. 


Jeanine Lebsack

Writer, research assistant, podcaster, reiki healer, and a passionate advocate for neurodiversity. On my writing journey I’ve discovered a plethora of passions including writing, researching, entertaining through song and dance, with a desire to explore and create something transformational and healing. I believe in the sacred art of storytelling and that there’s power in the written and spoken word. Join me on my journey using the magic of words, music, and heart song. I believe we create ripples of energy that flow throughout the universe and by sharing our stories it creates change, positivity, and healing. Have a listen to my podcast on Spotify and Anchor at House of a Writer.

15 thoughts on “Pause 

  • 3 January 2016 at 8:20 am

    And this is what makes motherhood something I dream of! Thanks for sharing this.

    • 3 January 2016 at 4:50 pm

      You’re welcome Deb yes it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. ?

  • 3 January 2016 at 12:20 pm

    What a wonderful account Jeanine! I was there for the births of all three of my children but it doesn’t come close to what any mother experiences. Thank you for sharing.

    • 3 January 2016 at 4:46 pm

      Thank you so much Mike I love going through my memories of my children’s first moments on earth. It helps me appreciate when they’re not acting so wonderful. ? I appreciate the fact you were there for your wife when she brought your son’s into the world. Out of six children my Dad saw me as the first one born. That always makes me feel special. ?

      • 3 January 2016 at 6:45 pm

        Yes, I know that feeling when they weren’t acting wonderful. I think it’s best the father should be there at the birth. At least to give comfort and support to the mother.

        • 3 January 2016 at 7:59 pm

          I agree I didn’t think I could love my husband more, but being there for the most scariest and amazing experiences of our children’s births proved otherwise. My heart and capacity to love grew exponentially in those moments. ❤️

  • 4 January 2016 at 2:50 pm

    BEAUTIFUL. Also, again, i so relate. I remember my panic when my son was in the NICU and him looking at me with such compassion as a NEWBORN!!!! Wow, we have been through a lot and what wonderful children…

    • 4 January 2016 at 2:52 pm

      Yes we have and I think that’s what makes us the strongest we can be. When you’re faced with a choice of not being that’s what the scariest. Thank you so much for reading and the wonderful compliment. ?

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  • 26 November 2016 at 2:35 am

    Wow, what an entrance! Yes, I too have been trying to pause things. I have 5 boys, my oldest is 20 years old and my very last baby is 1 years old. It all went by way too fast. I always feel like I haven’t made enough memories with them.

    • 14 December 2016 at 5:08 pm

      Thank you so much for reading and sharing Marilyn. Sorry did the late reply I’ve been behind on my notifications. All the best. ?


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