#Monday Musings-Rejection
She stared at the words on her phone screen goodbye as her tears started to fall and the words blurred into a black squiggly mess. It’s how some people choose to communicate breaking up, getting fired, and ending friendships via text. It’s how disconnected and disingenuous our world has become when this is thought of as an appropriate form of communication. And yet knowing this didn’t stop the pain that she felt as the reality crashed down on her like a ton of emotional back logged sludge. Any way you slice the rejection pie it hurts.
Goodbye-it seemed so easy to say after many years of a childhood friendship that ends in tatters and torment from one persons choices. She couldn’t understand the finality of those words but as days turned into weeks, and weeks into months it became abundantly clear. How was she supposed to break away from those feelings of guilt for stating an opinion, questions that were mistaken for judgement, how did she become enemy #1 when she had been supportive for so long?
She wrestled with her own guilt and remorse for things spoken and not said. For all those times when death came knocking on ones door taking a loved one and how that friendship remained loyal and steadfast and supportive through those dark times. When she became so wrapped up in her own grief that she couldn’t breath through the tightness in her chest and her scalp where even her hair began to hurt!
She was no stranger to grief as she had to say goodbye to her Grandparents, followed by the deaths of her Father and step sister who left the world in sickness and confusion. There was no one to save them from Cancer or a broken soul that couldn’t take the pain of living in the world any longer. Where she could still hear the incessant sound of the PSP pump when it ran out of morphine that was allowing her dear Dad to go gentle into that goodnight. A month after in her tear stained, grief encased fog she was met with the news of the suicide that her step sister took to end her pain. This death so fresh, shocking, and regrettable when the path of her existence of loss and devastation was to great to bear. She began to question what life was all about, how would she survive when her heart felt like it was literally broken in two, and how would she continue to get out of bed and raise her child?
At one time there were loving arms to wrap around her as the death of her Mother brought her to a halt. When words failed her and she sang so loud and proud on the final day of goodbye that even heaven could hear her. Then after the song stopped and she closed her mouth the tears flowed and the grief wall overtook her like lava from an erupting volcano and burned up her heart. She couldn’t walk without assistance as her bulging pregnant belly and aching hips gave in to the world of loss around her. Words spilled out of her mouth but could find no meaning as they became fear infused stuttering.
Somehow she managed to carry on and walk that path of hopelessness and loss and raise her children and live to face another day. She had successes, job transfers, losing and loving new friends that entered her life. Each move felt like another form of painful ending mixed with the excitement of a new beginning. So much so that she didn’t know if she really was coming or going in the chaotic existence she had carved out for herself.
How did she say goodbye to a thirty year friendship, she didn’t have a choice she just had to let it go and grieve another loss in her life as her heart bled on the page once again…
Today I share this with the #Mondaymusings link up hosted by Corinne of Write Tribe and co-hosted by Philosophers Stone
Fantastic write up Jeanine. I really feel for the woman in the story. Was it you?
Thank you Mike, yes it’s me. I needed to write in a third part form to detach from it. ❤️
Tears flow from my eyes as I read your ‘Monday Musings’ ……
Reminding me of many losses over my life (thus far)……
So happy and very thankful that I still have my 88 year old Mother…….sad again to have lost my sweet Dad (9 yrs. ago this month)…..
Thinking of many (too many) family members and dear friends I have lost and miss so much….
(( Hugs )) and wishing you (and me too)) a peaceful happy week ahead ..Jeanine…?
Oh thank you so much Colleen for reading and responding. Tears were flowing for me as well. It’s never easy to lose a loved one. Yet when it’s a parent it has a profound and lasting effect on my identity. I write to make sense of it all and to get some rest as well. Love and hugs sent your way darling. ?
I often think that the end of a friendship is many, many times worse than the ending of a romantic relationship. I confess that I have ended friendships via text and I’m not proud of myself for doing so.
Although this is written in the third person, I suspect it was a first-person experience. I’m sorry. 🙁
I think so too, both relationships have memories, love, and energy put into them. But when it’s a friendship that began before a romantic relationship, and had stood through that time in solidarity it’s a blow to the heart and ego. I think it’s very noble of you to share that you ended friendships in that way. To be on the receiving sucks, and yes you’re correct it did happen to me. It’s still fresh to write and talk about it in the first person. But I must if I want to heal and move on from it. Thank you for your kindness Vince, it’s very appreciated. ??
You’re welcome. I wouldn’t call myself noble…I have tried to make amends to the people concerned, but perhaps unsurprisingly they didn’t want to know. I hope the pain eases for you quickly. *hugs*
Nobility and bravery are wonderful attributes to possess. I think you have both because some people wouldn’t care about making amends. I thank you so much for reaching out to me it really helps ease my cracked heart. ?
Happy to be of service. x
Awe thank you, you really helped me smile today. After writing this I felt totally gutted. ❤️
That’s a shame – I would have hoped that writing it would have been cathartic.
It was after I finally exhales but reading back my words were hard like ripping a bandaid off my heart. I’m better now as I’m processing it with the help of some amazing people. ???
I have some posts that get me like that as well. Specifically the one about how gender dysphoria feels, but a couple of others too. Also I have had to go back through my blog and delete some stuff lately because knowing it was there was upsetting. I’m glad you’re getting the support you need.
It’s those posts that create some much of our energy and generate so much feeling are the ones that need to be written the most. It’s good to clean house when you don’t feel a connection to your words. Support, understanding, and growth I’ve found it all in the blogging universe. ?
Clearly I should bother to check my WordPress reader more often. 🙂 I have been going through a bit of a slump myself lately, wondering whether this blogging thing is really worth it, and you’ve helped me to remember why I started. So we have been good for one another today!
Awe that’s the best compliment I’ve ever received! Thank you so much I’ve missed reading your writing as well. Go forth and write from your heart my friend! ?
Shall do! 😀
Wahoo. ??
Reblogged this on Dream Big, Dream Often and commented:
Introducing JSack’s Mom’s Blog!!
Thank you so much that means so much to me. ?
My pleasure!!
Awe I really appreciate your kindness. ?