#Monday Musings and my Mindful thoughts

I have so much I want to say, write, and express. Sometimes I feel like there’s not enough hours in the day to get it all out! The words spoken or written come out in a humble jumble and I breathe a sigh of relief. Finally I can focus on something that needs my attention like my overflowing laundry baskets, neglected emails, and that ugly bath tub ring staring at me. 

I get consumed sometimes like there will be there be enough hours in the day to purge myself of these thoughts that hold me captive. Will there be enough lyrics in a song, enough stanzas in a poem, will my insatiable thirst for knowledge ever be quenched as I spend my late night owl hours researching neurology? 

Will I allow myself to rest or will the anxiety monster that lives inside me roar up and raise its ugly head yelling at me never shall you sleep with ease while I’m in charge! What is it about this desire, drive, curiousity, and deep seated need that feels like home to me? It’s all I’ve ever known so is it possible to be something or someone else who isn’t acting on the impulse of that steady thrumming in my head and heart?  

To be all I can be, when I can, as much as I can before it’s too late! And why will it ever be too late when will the worry jagged lines carved into my brain cease to exist? I really can’t answer that to worry feels like breathing to me. I can get on a good righteous path and do really well with controlling it for awhile. Then something always happens and sends me into a tailspin watching, waiting, and questioning my anxiety fueled fears. 

Gripping me in it’s vise grip hold choking the pure joy out of me and drowning me in sadness and worry. I want to break free and live that life I dream of on the overside of the coin, than overdose in this blanket of fear. I cry out in pain, praying for God to release me from this torment of my mind! My life has never been an easy one like anyone else on this spinning orb we call earth I grew up in dysfunction. 

I was loved it was just the people who loved me grew out of love for each other. Or maybe there was a deep rooted love there but no respect. I spent my childhood days wanting that picture perfect family I saw shining in all its Hollywood glory on Happy Days. Even the Fonz in his cool leather jacket, and rebellious ways was Arthur to the Cunninghams and was loved and found worthy.

Why did I need this so much I was only four when my parents separated? I worried so much with my religious background, that they would end up in purgatory for their sins. I wanted desperately to solve the problems of the adults around me and everything to go back to what I considered normal. That word always left me feeling so inadequate because I never felt like I could live up to its expectations. 

Normal is really just a figment in my mind. My Mom always told me I was born to stand out and to never let anyone tell me my star couldn’t shine. She had such a lovely positive spirit and a way with words spoken, written, or sung. Losing her was my normal first to dementia, and next to death. When both felt like my heart was being ripped from my body! 

There are days when I just don’t want to worry anymore. How I just want to see my beloved Mama again and collaspe into tears in her lap; where she strokes my hair and tells me this too shall pass. But she’s not there and sometimes it’s only a Mom’s hug that can heal the wounds of your heart. 

An emotional roller coaster on the anxiety highway is my reality. When it gets too much I turn off the world and unplug and slip into my sensory pleasure of music. Singing with all my being so loud that even heaven could hear me. Those are the times I feel closer to my version of normal and as my heart soars and my spirits sings, getting me one step closer to God and freedom and to her voice and love. 

Today I’m linking up with #Mondaymusings hosted by Corinne at Everyday Gyyan and co-hosted by Reflections. I thank them for this opportunity to link up and express myself to a new audience. ?


Jeanine Lebsack

Writer, research assistant, podcaster, reiki healer, and a passionate advocate for neurodiversity. On my writing journey I’ve discovered a plethora of passions including writing, researching, entertaining through song and dance, with a desire to explore and create something transformational and healing. I believe in the sacred art of storytelling and that there’s power in the written and spoken word. Join me on my journey using the magic of words, music, and heart song. I believe we create ripples of energy that flow throughout the universe and by sharing our stories it creates change, positivity, and healing. Have a listen to my podcast on Spotify and Anchor at House of a Writer.

10 thoughts on “#Monday Musings and my Mindful thoughts

    • 6 October 2015 at 8:12 am

      I almost hit delete but a voice inside me screamed no let it be. #Be real. ?

      • 6 October 2015 at 8:18 am

        It was such a moving piece that I couldn’t think of anything more to say. I admire you for sharing so much of yourself on your blog. It gives me courage to do the same.

        • 6 October 2015 at 8:32 am

          Oh Mike that’s a beautiful compliment! Thank you so much there’s times when I write something so revealing I just shake. Then I know vibrationally that energy was stuck and needed to be cleared. Thank you for being so inspirational to me. ??

  • 6 October 2015 at 7:59 pm

    First of all I like the explanation that “normal” is just a cycle on the washing machine….
    Yes you have been faced with many challenges Jeanine .. Parents divorcing when you were only 4 yrs. old is huge after living the good life ( or shall I say “normal” life) with both parents close at hand.
    Watching your Mom struggle with Alzheimer’s and then passing away when you were pregnant with your 2nd son … Again …huge life changing experience…..
    Thank God for your feisty and positive spirit!! (personality) …
    You married a fine man .. You are blessed with 2 wonderful sons!!
    All I can say is keep singing Jeanine …. Loud and clear and proud!!
    Your writing goes without saying … Never stop!!
    You’ve Got This!!
    When is the new book coming out? ………. Release date yet?

    • 6 October 2015 at 8:32 pm

      Yes I love that explanation of normal Colleen! I say that about my son when I asked is he normal. It’s all relative and only for my laundry and dishwashing cycle. Yes my life hasn’t been an easy road but I was taught to be brave and persevere through it all. My life with my family is my greatest blessing I know my parents can see that happiness. Writing is good for my soul and a gift to my spirit. This blog post just came bubbling up out of me. It started out as something else and then completely morphed into what you read here today. The book’s release is supposed to be around Christmas time. I will keep you posted honey when I find out more. Thank you for all your love and support it means the world to me. ❤️

  • 11 December 2015 at 5:13 am

    For once it takes a lot of courage to hit the publish button on your blog when one has written a heart felt post without having hold backs and letting the complex emotions flow out. I did such a thing recently and it felt liberating. I hope you are feeling the same too.

    • 12 December 2015 at 6:22 am

      Thank you so much I go from feeling exposed, relieved, and liberated. Quite a mixture in the end but living my truth is my saving Grace.Congratulations on your freedom to publish as well. ?


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