Situation
I’ve always been an honest person, I speak my mind, and do my best to not judge a book by its cover. I’m human so it happens from time to time, but here’s the situation I judge myself very harshly. I don’t know where it comes from but the second guessing myself gets exhausting.
You know what the worst part is? Passing all the angst and anxiety onto my children. I watched it happen in my own childhood as the adults around me transferred their stress onto me. I didn’t blame anyone though, I just believed they were victims of victims and of life. A profound outlook for a five year old to have. I learned at a young age we create our circumstances through our thoughts, and these become our situations.
If I want to create something happy and fulfilling I just need to think positive. I can bring what I desire to me by thinking about it. It’s proven in the laws of attraction you get what you expect. The energy that we put into repelling our good fortune is equal to what we gain, by accepting and appreciating the very best life can offer. You can try and find another way around it, by disbelief, ignorance, or denial it still is the same result, you reap what you sow.
So I ask myself as I worry and wring my hands with anxiousness, how do I get myself out of this situation I created? How can I stop it from affecting my children. I can think positive, feel happy, and secure and believe that no matter what happens God will take care of me and my family. I do believe that’s true, yet there’s still a shred of anxiety flickering on and off like a light switch.
There are days I feel so happy and I celebrate that joyfully. These are the days where I just trust that everything is going to work out fine. This is after I’ve spent time in prayer and meditation. I always need to have a plan B, it’s a no brainer with sensory children. Lately I’ve felt I’ve just been getting by on a wing and a prayer.
Last weekend was different though I took chances, felt happy, and stuck my plan B in my pocket for safe keeping. I went to dinner with a new couple I had met through a group online. Which was a brave and beautiful thing because the lovely lady and I had been corresponding, but we were a mystery to each other till last week. We had our big reveal where I signed a card with my name. We made plans and after dinner we attended a carnival, went geocaching, and ended the night with an ice cream treat.
I was elated we all hit it off and are already planning our next get together. I wasn’t anxious, I was estatic and from someone who is constantly watching, worrying, and waiting this was like an epiphany! I have always said have faith, trust in God, and the universe to give you what you need. I do believe in all of that, but there’s always been that sneaking fear, doubt, and anxious vibration that didn’t allow that belief to seep into my cerebal cortex.
Now I know more than ever I have to hold onto to this profound way of thinking. I owe it to my myself and my family to believe once and for all, that I got this and we’re going to be fine. Every day I spend worrying is another day taken away from living, loving, and appreciating my children. Every moment I spend wrapped up in doubt takes me further away from who I am and who I’m meant to be. Every minute I let fear take over and win makes me die a little more inside. If I live and exist with doubt I’m not honoring my true, authentic self.
It’s not easy to be anxious internally yet project confidence on the outside. I’ve been doing it for years and I always write more about my feelings than sharing my personal struggles. People are busy in life and the only one I expect to hold my hand through all of this is my husband. So here’s to closing this chapter in my book of life that doesn’t serve me well. And onwards and upwards to writing a whole new book about me being anxiety free!
This has been my Sunday confession with the amazing More Than Cheese and Beer. Please check out her anonymous confessions on her Facebook page, as well as the talented bloggers who linked up. Thank you. ?
Well done! You should check out Silver Lining Mama’s Courage Challenge. I think you could pingback to her blog with this story as well. http://silverliningmama.com/portfolio/courage-challenge/
Thank you I did guest blog with her for February for the courage challenge. I love that she started that, it made me feel less alone in my journey. I’ll check it out thank you for reading. ?
Still remember your story from the earlier challenge. The feeling is mutual, thanks for making me feel less alone.
Awe I’m so happy I could be a support to you Mama. ❤️
Oh! I need to look that up 🙂
Awe that’s so kind of you. ?
Thank you so much for reading Momma and letting me know. I love Silver Lining Mama’s courage challenge. I was part of it in February. ?
I’m glad to read this post, it is what the June courage challenge is about. I can relate to it. Hope it’s okay to feature it in my blog?
I’m so glad you read it Mama!!! Yes please do, I’d be honoured to have it featured on your blog. ?❤️
Thanks! I can relate to it.
I’m so glad I’m almost deleted this post because I felt so anxious before I published it. ?
I’m glad you didn’t!?
Posted the feature here http://silverliningmama.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/02/saying-yes-to-your-self/ . Thanks again!
Thank you for your kindness. ❤️
Thank you so much I’m crying tears of happiness. You’re a wonderful inspiration to me. ?
*hugs*?
Hugs right back to you Mama. ❤️
Thank you, S, for thinking of the blog. :-*
Of course 🙂
Yes thank you so much Momma. ?❤️
Whatever parts of the world we’re in I’m so happy our minds and hearts connected. ❤️
Good for you! I love nothing better than seeing someone let go of the old and embrace the new. I am right there with you! Much happiness and joy to you! <3
Thank you honey, it’s been scary but exhilarating at the same time. Knowing there’s so much more positivity and enjoying life ahead of me by letting go of what I can’t control is exciting to embrace. ❤️
You can do this. I know you can. ??
Thank you sweetie, I feel a drive in me to do so more than I ever have in life!!! Questioning my mortality and how my children are affected by my actions and anxiety has solidified my goal. ??
After two weeks without a computer, it’s finally good to reflect on your posts again. I know what it’s like to try to leave the wreckage of the past behind. It still sometimes rears its ugly head up and haunts me from time to time, even makes me angry at times. But you have the right idea, keep looking forward.
Oh Mike thank you for sharing that. I agree even pushing through that anger to the other side lies the power and positivity we deserve. You have been missed my dear friend. ❤️
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I totally get where you are coming from!! great piece!
Thank you so much Laurie!!! ?