House of A Writer

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

I’m not ready to say goodbye

on 16 May 2015

When I got the news today my knees hit the floor and I cried with a vengeance. No I screamed in my head you weren’t supposed to die! Someone so loving, giving, caring with the biggest, most beautiful heart wasn’t supposed to leave this earth. Now that you’re gone, I’ve held my children tighter. Knowing that you won’t be physically there to hold yours tears me apart. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I just sent you a message last week telling you how I loved and missed you. 
You drove that stretch of road so many times, for so many different reasons. Why should today be any different? Why would this trip from point A to point B be your last? Life just isn’t fair sometimes, people are born and people will die everyday. But not you, or never should’ve been you. Thinking of you alone and tumbling through the air as your vehicle left the road fills me such heartache I can scarcely breathe. Even now the tears fall silently down my face thinking of my memories of you. 

If I could write a book I would fill it with my thoughts of you. The way your eyes danced when you were mischievous, the way your laughter bubbled out of you with abundant joy. The way you made me feel when you hugged me so tight. How you’d say “Mama we can get through anything, because we’re survivors, it’s what we do!” And I know it’s your words ringing true in my head and heart today. 

I would fill each chapter with your wisdoms, all the times I quoted you for your brilliance. And how when you get so excited and start talking a mile a minute, I would from and I’d say “breathe love, you’re not going anywhere.” I was wrong you always were going somewhere as you filled up your life and love with people who adored you as much as I did. You never said no, or turned anyone away. You’d drive across the province to lend a helping hand, make your kids happy, make life easier for someone else it was your way. Anyone who experienced your love was changed forever. 

Even now I read all the kind and wonderful words people have left behind. They too are mourning your loss. They won’t see your beautiful smile when they walk through the doors of your work. Greeting them with warm hellos and how are you today? Your bosses were blessed to have you as long as they did, and I was so happy that they told you so. You mattered to many, and not only your family mourns you but a whole community does. 

To touch so many lives and hearts for your short time on earth was a gift. You filled my life with sunshine and love. And my children adored you as I do yours. What will happen to them now that they’re gone? They will never have to question your love for them. They felt that in everything you did. From the sweet little nicknames you gave them, to teaching them independence, to your beautiful smile and Mama bear hugs. I pray that they will all stay together to heal in their grief. You etched an imprint on their hearts that will never fade or be replaced by another. You were their North Star guiding them to safe harbour. You were their quiet place when the world was noisy and annoying. 

You were their safety net when others let them down. Who do they follow now that the light has burnt out in your eyes? My answer is no one, you were their light, love, soft heart, their Mother; there will never be another. You were the yin to my yang, and talked me off the ledge plenty of times in that gentle way you had. I still remember the first time we met. How you smiled that mega watt grin and said hello and extended your hand to me. I was new to town and knew no one. You looked at my son in my arms and stroked his cheek and I felt safe with you. You patted his head and said “so blonde, and so beautiful just like his Mama.” And in that instance I fell in love with your kind spirit. 

As our friendship grew stronger my love and admiration for you did too. That moment that you called me by my childhood nickname I was taken aback. I told you I hadn’t heard it since my Mom died how did you know? You said “it just fit, it was perfect it was who you are.” And then I gave you a nickname and I never called you anything but. We bonded over so many things, but the loss of our Mothers affected our whole beings. You knew of that pain of wanting the one and only women we had ever loved and trusted, more than anyone in the world to hold us. You had been a few years into your grief, and I was year into mine. 

You saw the pain in my eyes that I tried to hide from others, but you recognized it instantly as you had your own. I was coming back to town soon and I knew I was going to see you. I was going to pop into your work and surprise you. I knew I could do that because you were never a slave to social media, and how you gently teased me about “my need for my social newsfeed.” I picture the look on your face as you looked up to see who was coming in the door, and how you’d run out and give me the tightest hug. Now I will come back and see you one last time, as my heart is stacked with pain and remorse. I don’t want to say goodbye to you. I’m not ready, prepared, or able to do so. Today when you left the world a small fragment of me went with you. To a place I pray is your happy place. 

We talked about heaven and what you thought was waiting for you there. How you hoped it would have beautiful mountains, lakes and trees that you so dearly loved in your town. I was so sad when I had to leave you behind when I moved away. I wouldn’t have got through those four months of solo parenting while my husband worked away, without you. When I asked your help you told me “I love you and I love your son’s I will help you, we will make this work.” And how my kids loved when you and the girls would come over. The dance parties, games, the singing, and cupcakes. I always seemed to have a never ending supply of happiness when you were around. And after the kids went to bed the copious amounts wine we would drink and the laughs we would have. 

I don’t want to say goodbye to you it’s just too hard to even mouth those words. I’m devastated like your family is, they had you longer so I don’t even feel a right to my feelings. How do they go on without you? When can they speak your name without dissolving into tears like I do? Thinking of not seeing that mischievous grin or hearing infectious laughter makes me want to scream it’s just not right, or fair! Somehow life will go on, people will go to work, kids will go to school, the earth will keep spinning on its axis. Even though I feel it’s all off kilter and imbalanced waiting for you to come back. 

I feel you nearby watching and waiting not able to take your journey to the other side. You remain fixed until you know everyone is ok. This is how you were in life, and I wouldn’t expect anything less from you in death. I’m just not going to get over losing you. There will be a space in my heart that is the shape of you. You were such an amazing friend, sister of my heart, Mother, daughter sister, Aunty, and cousin. There will never be a day where I speak your name and the memories of wonderful you will come flooding back. I hold those close to my heart for that’s all I have left now. Until we meet again my sweet friend, I will keep you and your family in my heart and prayers always. ❤️


30 Responses to “I’m not ready to say goodbye”

  1. Love and prayers sent your way ❤

  2. This is so sad. A big hug to you. ❤️

    • jsackmom says:

      Thank you Lucille I woke up at 5:30 am to write it. It brought me some peace for a few hours. Thank you for the hug. ❤️

      • You’re welcome, my dear. I hope you’ll find peace in the coming days. Keep writing if that’s helping. It was a beautiful tribute to your friend.
        Keep strong and well.

        • jsackmom says:

          Thank you so much Lucille, writing is helping keeping those memories intact. Peace in my heart will take time but I’ll do everything I can to help her family as well. ?

          • It’s a noble writing and will help you appeasing your heart too. It will take time to heal the pain, but it may comfort to know that she will always be present in your life. These ties are strong and alive forever.
            Helping her family will help you feeling closer to her and will honor her memory as well.
            I really wish you much peace in your heart and send you all positive vibes.

          • jsackmom says:

            Thank you that is my hope to keep the connection open. As I loved her children as much as I loved my friend. Last night I read every single message, looked at every picture, and prayed with all my might for everyone who’s heart was aching. I’m so blessed to have her friendship as long as I did. ❤️

          • I’m sure the friendship you had will be continued through your connection with her kids and your love will help them overcoming this difficult moment. There are no words that help but just a heartwarming presence and much love.
            It was indeed a blessing. She once helped you adapting to the new city and also overcoming your mother’s loss. There was no coincidence for this friendship to happen.
            Giving back your love to her children will keep the two of you forever linked. ❤️

          • jsackmom says:

            Yes I agree so much. We were both hurting and mourning our beloved Mothers. Our hearts recognized that and a friendship was born. Our children became friends and our circle was complete. I wish I could’ve have had more time with them all. But the the time that I did have is packed full of beautiful memories. I will love and appreciate her children and family as my own. And in time that will help us heal our broken hearts. ❤️

          • It is an amazingly beautiful friendship! More time is always what we wish for when we lose beloved ones and it’s what keeps us away from finding peace. But you already know that and filled the emptiness with your precious memories.
            You’re an incredible friend, affectionate and generous human being. Your love and strength will surely heal their hearts.

          • jsackmom says:

            Oh Lucile your kind words are uplifting my heart so much!!! This is who I have always wanted to be to my friends. My friend and I had such deep conversations throughout our time together. It’s almost like we knew we had to get as much of those cerebral sessions in our lives as possible. I talked to her so openly about my struggles as she did with hers. I never had to guess how much I meant to her and her family. And she never had to guess with me, that was the beauty of our friendship. We openly showed our love and appreciation for each other in our thoughts, deeds, and actions. It was divine to have her and her family in my life. And I will thank God daily for the gift of her being there for me and my family. ❤️

          • I’m very happy to hear that our chat uplifted your heart.
            I truly hope you will soon find peace in your heart.

          • jsackmom says:

            It really did, you’re a very kind, caring women Lucile. And I really appreciate you reaching out to me. ❤️

  3. I am so sorry. Your emotions poured through in every word. I send you love, hugs, and… nothing I can say will make it better. You have my most heartfelt condolences.

  4. Donna Miglino says:

    I feel like I knew her. I’m so sorry for everyone whose lives she touched. I pray all their hearts will find some peace, especially yours, my friend???

    • jsackmom says:

      Thank you so much for reading Donna. She was like the sunshine spreading her light, love, and warmth to everyone in her path. Last night I prayed for all I was worth to ease my pain and the pain of her family. ?

  5. Sandy Ramsey says:

    This sounds like your mind was traveling at light speed, trying to grab every moment, every memory and hold on tight. It is lovely but I am so, so sorry you had to write it. My heart goes out to you.

    • jsackmom says:

      Yes Sandy that’s exactly what it felt like. If I couldn’t hold her tight I have to hang out to everything I loved about her. Thank you for your kindness. ?

  6. So sorry for your loss. What a blessing to have met such an amazing and kindred spirit.

  7. newworldmom says:

    So much love to you always

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