It’s been a rough day with my youngest son who has the SPD (Sensory Processing Disoder) and impending evaluation for ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Transitions are very difficult for him so I made the mistake this morning by saying “let’s get dressed and go do something fun!” I didn’t use his PECS (Picture Example Communication), a visual tool I use so he can see that’s what we’re going to do. Life has been manageable so I just tried talking about it. Big mistake made there, let’s just add that to my ever growing list shall we?
He wouldn’t get dressed so I helped him. Then I got dressed while he undressed. So I sighed audibly and made breakfast. He refused to eat so I turned on the cartoons and went about my online to do list, running my Facebook page and co-admin four others. I carried on with my updates, checking messages, replying to comments, and I looked up to see my son eating. Well that’s one battle avoided. I decided I would get my breakfast and put on the kettle for tea.
I ate, tidied up the kitchen, and went to make my tea. Then I realized my kettle died. All the stress of the morning came to a head and I cried. I burst into tears, and cried till my throat was raw and snot and tears were pouring down my face. I call that the ugly cry of no return. I lost track of how long I cried, my son found me on the floor huddled up into a ball in the fetal position. My Mom bought me that kettle, and it was last gift she ever gave me. It was a painful moment for me the day my kettle died. For a tea lover like me this is a very sad thing! It’s the last gift my Mom gave to me. And now she flies with the angels so I feel the insatiable desire to write about my pain….
I felt so silly crying over a kettle but it’s the memories I have of her and that kettle. Drinking tea, laughing, loving, and sharing our hearts. I miss her so much, and microwave tea water sucks. I just want to sit with my Mom again and babble, banter, and sing like we used to. It doesn’t matter how old we get we just don’t stop needing our parents! Well I’m speaking for myself, but I’ll never forget the day my brother phoned me. He called my cell phone and asked me why I had answered it. I replied “it’s my phone, it rang, so I answered it.” Bitchtastic morning to you too!
I may need to mention I’m not a morning person. He was trying to get ahold of my husband who he thought would have the phone. I knew my Mom was gone so I voiced it, and he said yes and assured me my husband was on his way home. What my brother didn’t know was that our Mom came to me in a dream. She reached for my hand and called me by the pet name she had for me, I reached back and woke up. Just in time to see her disappearing into the ethers as my phone rang. There I sat on the edge of my bed rubbing my very pregnant belly. I was eight months along, alone, and devastated.
My husband arrived home and gathered me up in a hug while our oldest child slept through it all. I collapsed into my loves chest and soaked his shirt with my tears. I close my eyes now and see it all replaying like a movie in my head. How did I survive that trauma to my heart, psyche, and soul? I gave birth to my baby a month premature and had to keep living, loving, and raising my children. I don’t know if I survived it so to speak, I just didn’t have a choice. My family needed me to recover, to be me even if I was just a mere grieving shell of myself. As I get closer to Mother’s Day I try to remember that it’s important to put myself on my list of priorities. Taking back the me I once was is a gift to myself, and to my family.
The only thing I would ask for this Mother’s Day would be the gift of time. Wrapped up in beautiful embossed paper I would find a journal and a beautiful pen to write my thoughts in. Recording those days that are so long with sensory meltdowns, those little conversations my son has with his toys about going to the zoo. Remembering how my oldest son used his problem solving skills, instead of screaming out his pain. A gift certificate to my favourite restaurant where my husband and I could enjoy a date night with each other’s company. A note from a certified special needs caregiver who will stay and look after my children for a few hours of our lives.
I would love a brand new kettle to make new memories with while sipping my tea and thinking of my Mom. Followed by a gift card to a gardening center to pick up a beautiful plant, soil, and Miracle Grow to plant in my old kettle. A wonderful idea shared by my heart sister friend The Brain. And lastly a box of Kleenex to dry my tears, blow my nose, and a bottle of wine to allow it all to sink in how very blessed I am.
Happy Mother’s Day to you. ❤️