House of A Writer

Welcome to my blog where I share my special needs parenting journey with my heart, truth, and love, one story at a time. ❤️

A Mother’s guilt

on 11 February 2015

I’m at my wits end with my oldest son. He said he had a sore throat so I let him stay home from school. The rules are rest, rehydrate, and relax. He had helped clean up the basement so I allowed him a movie with his little brother. I’m upstairs cleaning, laundry, dishes and I go to check on him and he’s downstairs playing video games. I walk into the room and he’s pretending to be sleeping!!!! I told him get up and go to bed. He starts to argue that he was having quiet time because his little brother didn’t want to watch a movie.

So I sent him to bed and I continued folding laundry. Then I can hear him out of his room. I’m ready to lose it I’ve sent him to bed twice and he’s come back out. First he was playing hockey with the Mad dog so I said get to bed! He says I’m hungry; then get your food and get to bed!!!! So he says forget it I’ll just starve you don’t care! So then he’s there for 10 minutes and he comes back out again to ask his brother to go downstairs to watch a movie. Get the $@@% to bed now I bellow!!!!

What is wrong with my kid? He won’t listen, he doesn’t respect me, then he tells me he’s getting yelled at school by five people. And one is supposedly his teacher. Well I’ll be addressing this and I will be sending him to school tomorrow because if I don’t I might just duct tape his mouth shut!!!!!
I don’t know where I went wrong we used to be so close. Then I was so sick and sad when I was pregnant with his brother. I carry a lot guilt because my Mom died then I had my baby five weeks later.

Due to the premature birth he had to stay in the hospitals NICU. When I was finally realized after five days, I still went back and forth to the hospital to care for my baby. This is when I feel the disconnect happened. My son was grieving the loss of my Mom, me not being there, and then a little brother who was sick. What had happened in his little world was too much so he turned to his Dad as his saviour and protector. That’s when it all changed between us.

His attitude changed towards me and jealously set in because I was always with my baby. Even though he adored his baby brother. It didn’t matter how much that new love was blossoming and growing, he had lost a part of his Mom. I had to be strong, stoic, and a rock for my children. Meanwhile I was dying and falling apart into little broken, jagged pieces. My heart was shattered I lost my one and only one and I felt like a part of me had died too! Not something a four year boy could understand with his precious heart. So I put my grief on hold to deal with his.

I thought I was doing the right thing as I struggled with intense grief of my own, sleep deprivation, and adjusting to an anti depressant. I didn’t want to be that parent that checked out when my kids needed me the most. It was bound to happen, as I just felt like I was a medicated brain and a body barely able to function. I honestly don’t know how I got through that difficult time. Grief recovery, family, friends, my husband and the love of my sons all played a role.

Life within that little bubble of calm helped me exist. As my body and my brain began to connect as I adjusted to my medication. But my little boy changed as his brother grew up. He got more abrasive with me, his angry tantrums became longer, and I went into research mode. If I don’t understand something I will read until I do. I read books, listened to lectures, attending parenting workshops. In order to understand what had happened to my son. I wish I had looked more into neurology than maybe I could see the early signs of his brain changing.

The ADHD behaviours, dyspraxia, and Sensory Integration disorder were there. He was just so much like me sensitive with an explosive temper that I just saw pain, grief, and jealously. This is when the switch happened, and when I had to fill out recent questionnaires about these behaviours it was hard to hold back the tears. I cried for that little boy who lost his Grandma, Mom, and gained a baby brother. I cried for my lack of understanding, the turmoil, and stress that cyclones around me.

And most of all I cried for that broken relationship between a Mother and her first born. I pray I can repair it before it’s too late and I lose his love and kindness forever. That’s a Mother’s guilt always wearing my heart on the outside of my body. So here I am today parenting through the pain and loving myself and my family with everything I have. Praying for that change to patch my oldest son’s heart back together. That’s Motherhood both beautiful with the moments of cherished gazes and spoken words of I love you. And crushing defeat and frustrating when those words turn to you don’t care, you don’t love me. I put my eyes on the prize and slowly, but carefully walk that tightrope of love and hate for myself.


8 Responses to “A Mother’s guilt”

  1. Hang in there love xoxoxoxo

  2. 80smetalman says:

    Jeanine, I fully understand what you are going through. When he was 16, my eldest son said he hated me and wouldn’t see or talk to me for 17 months. Every time I visited my other two children, he would stay out of the way. He even changed his last name and still hasn’t reverted back to mine. That still hurts. However, he doesn’t hate me now and our relationship is back on track. Your eldest will come around too, trust me, he really does love you.

    • jsackmom says:

      Thank you Mike, I try really hard to think this is only temporary. I still remember the first day my Captain told me he hated me. He was 3 and he just finished Finding Nemo. He had whispered it to me and it cut like a knife. It’s not a word I use or allow in my house. It’s harsh and I heard it enough as a child. So I need to regroup and give him space when he needs it. And try really hard not to take his moodiness personally. I know he loves me he’s just trying to grow up at the same time. I’m really glad you have a better relationship with your oldest son. Time and distance do make the hearts and minds grow fonder. ?

  3. Nyree says:

    Wow sounds like your day was the perfect example of a mothers guilt mixed with exhaustion, love and confusion as to what to do next what will work and what the hell am I doing wrong. The answer is nothing your perfect your loved and your heard.? Hugs hope tomorrow is better.

    • jsackmom says:

      Thank you sweet Nyree I can always count on you to wade through the murkiness of my emotions and see the truth. Yes all that combination is volatile for me. I just have to give him space and try not to take everything the Captain says personally. And just allow him that time to grow up. ?

  4. Shelley says:

    You are doing a great job sweetie. I hear I’m the worst mom ever and I love the kids I nanny more the J all the time. Its part of growing up unfortunately. Be his constant fountain of love and support like you already are he will come around. I flat out hated my parents from age 11 till my mid 20’s but now I understand what they did for me and themselves and why. You are a beautiful and strong Mama. You can do this.

    • jsackmom says:

      Thank you my sweet friend. I beat myself up to often, so it’s easy to let the little angst of an 8 year old get under my skin. I do the best I can just sometimes I’m vulnerable to the moodiness and anxiety of an ADHD brain. His and mine, can lock in battle until one of us has to walk away. I would give anything for him to see and know my love for him. I pray over the years he will know how much I love him. And all I’ve ever wanted was the best for him. ❤️

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