This has been the most stressful week I’ve gone through since I got the call that my Dad was in hospice. I believe the feelings that are swirling around in my body and brain are the same. This week I had to sit there while the Paediatrician said “I’m going to say some things that are difficult to hear.” So I replied “just say it Doc I’ve lived through a lot.” So she said I want your children genetically tested and evaluated for ASD.
I didn’t know what to say except I agreed and thanked her for being honest with me. Inside I felt like she had just ripped the bandaid off my broken heart. And it was oozing out the pain I was keeping in there awaiting healing. I walked out of her office feeling the most vulnerable I had ever felt in my life. My kids are my world, and when I first found out that I was expecting each of them I prayed for a healthy pregnancy. I never wanted to see them in pain, suffering or feeling powerless.
So this is the least of their worries as I just allow them to just be kids. They don’t know of the stress, the sleepless nights, the times I’ve spent crying. They know that they get frustrated easy, nightmares awaken them, and change is difficult to comprehend. With my oldest I tell him all our brains are wired differently. He can’t always help what comes out of his mouth, but he should say kind things.
He sometimes asks me why he can’t let go of a thought bothering him, or why he needs his homework to be perfect. The only answer I have is God made us all unique and different. There’s things that really bother me too. But I concentrate on the things that I can deal with. And let go of the things I can’t and let God take care of them. I will admit though this is the most I’ve had to absorb in one day in one week. So I’m praying for strength and acceptance so I can infuse that in my sons.
So where does this leave me? I will be applying for funding, and getting the most help I need for my children, as well as myself. I’ve joined a support group online and I look forward to meeting these other Moms. I’ve also been attending my support groups locally and it’s so gratifying to meet other parents that are walking the same path as me. After the paper work’s completed, and the appointments are made, then I’ll see where we’re at with getting help.
I’ve never been a fan of labels, but in this case it will be what’s needed in order to move forward with a diagnosis with funding. These labels will not define my children or change who they are. They will not change me or my husband either. They will make us the most devoted parents with advocating for them. They will still be happy, healthy, fun loving kids with a few more letters of the alphabet applied. And most of all they’re our gifts from God that were bestowed on us.
I wouldn’t change any moment of their lives or mine. We get the hand that’s dealt to us in life. We can let it define us or let us rise to the occasion. I prefer to feel my pain for a moment, embrace it, and keep moving forward. I owe it to my family to do so, and it’s the least I can do after they blessed me when they made me their Mom. ?
This has been my submission to
http://lindaghill.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/23/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-january-2415/ for Saturday Stream of Consciousness and the prompt was most/least. Using one or both words.
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