I’ve been talking, reading, and writing about breaking out of my comfort zone, spreading my wings and letting myself fly. I’m doing that for myself and for my children, to show them that they can do anything, and be anything they want to be. Whatever your mind can believe, you can achieve. I remember my oldest brother telling me that when I was 16 years old. I loved how those words rolled off his tongue and the feelings they created in me. I asked myself back then, is it possible if I just change my thoughts and abolish those negative tapes playing in my head I can achieve success?
I spent a lot of time thinking I wasn’t good enough. Not a intelligent math student or an gifted writer, or talented artist. I spent years living in others shadows because it was a safe, albeit sad place for me. I listened to those tapes playing in my head (before everything went digital) of a English teacher who told me my writing was trite, and wouldn’t amount to nothing but pulp to burn in a fire. He said this to me with his words dripping with disdain, in his Scottish accent. My heart was crushed because I really looked up to him and I was really angry as well. After that I started to write feverishly and I told my Mom and she wanted to march into the school and hurt him as much as he hurt me.
My beloved Mama could kill someone with kindbess or blister their ears with her words. So together as a team we worked on story after story writing songs and poems as well. She was my biggest fan, cheerleader, and main source of support. And then she got older, dementia set in, and she spent her final days there and died. A part of me died too when my beloved Mama left this world. And that belief I had in myself did too. I went into a grief recovery program as numb as I was. I knew I needed to in order to help myself and my children. I learned a lot while I was in that program, and solidified a friendship there that’s very special to me. And most importantly I started writing again. Pouring out my heart to my journal all the things I wanted to say to my Mom, God, and my family.
It felt so wonderful to have this release this safe place, I could come to when I was feeling sad. Which was a lot back then and through that self reflection I began to patch up my broken heart. I was living on little sleep, nutrition and raising my four year old son and his newborn baby brother. One journal led to another and I had my own little library. I read every grief book I could get my hands on and let the information absorb into to my fractured soul. I’ve always been a avid reader and writer at an early age, and I just started sharing my writing last year by starting this blog. I read tons of blogs, books, and articles and I thought maybe I could do that. I was trying to break through that negative blanket I wrapped myself in. Trying to silence my English teacher’s words. So the only dream I wished for was to believe in myself again. I’ve never shied away from a challenge in my life. I face it head on, even with a belly full of fear. Seeing my words this week appearing on the http://originalbunkerpunks.com website for the first time has filled me with so much pride and determination. I was an emotional mess I just cried and cried off and on all day. My husband took me out for a date night to celebrate and I could see the pride shining in his loving gaze. With that new found confidence I’ve been submitting my writing, and having a lot of positive feedback with it so I’m really happy. So I’ve been fortunate to be invited to do some guest blogging, and I’m returning the favour and opening up my blog this coming week to some guest bloggers. I appreciate all you dear readers being here and following along on my journey. I’ll still be here, I’m just going to take some time to work on my writing and start working on my book draft ideas. And most importantly I’ll be paying it forward to some amazing bloggers that I personally follow, adore, and I’m proud to call my friends. And with each story I share I heal a little more. I’ve begun to create this new normal in my life where the void has been. And with the love of my family, friends, and you my dear readers I’ll start to sparkle like the star I am. ?