Turn

It’s almost the end of the year and time to get our resolutions in place. I’ve already thought mine out and I wrote a little on them. I’m a perfectly flawed human being so I go into 2015 knowing this and accepting this. This admission can either be life changing or never changing and I’m ok with that. My thoughts are tending to drift to how I could turn back time. If I could have another moment to have a heart to heart talk with my Dad about the past, mistakes, blessings, and lessons learned. He had a calm way about him as we would sit and drink honey tea and the conversation would just flow. He changed so many things regarding his will and that wasn’t public knowledge until after he died. I would ask why he felt he had to do that, was it something he felt he needed to do or was it out of guilt? Uncomfortable questions for sure, but that is who I’ve always been. My beloved Mama always said I was never afraid of the big pink elephant in the room. If I could turn back time I would have a conversation with my step sister and would try to help her more when she told me she was lost after my Dad’s death. Could I have saved her from suicide, that’s something I’ll never know? I would’ve wanted to stop her and help manage her pain, and get her the help she needed to grieve and mourn the love she had for my Dad. She was his amazing care giver and looked after his every need. I saw the fear in her eyes as he woke up that mourning bleeding out. I remember how she was there for him making him oatmeal and honey tea when the paramedics arrived. And when his pulse was taken and registered 70/40 I saw the paramedic was visibly shaken to how his patient was still alive!!! I had given my Dad a Boost supplement and he was told he couldn’t have it since he was going to hospital. One thing I’ve learned is you never take away a food source away from a starving, dying, man. And that paramedic learned a tough lesson that day, as he received a tongue lashing from my Dad. I think of the times I had sitting with my Mom when I visited her in the home. I’d lay in her bed and talk about whatever was on my mind. She’d stroke my hair and my worries would melt away. She had an amazing energy and she always had such a calming affect on me. I remember that day I told her I was expecting and my Captain was going to be a big brother. She knew that I struggled with him being an only child and lonely. She grew up like that, and wanted to have a big family so her children wouldn’t know that feeling. So knowing that I was adding onto to my family filled her with joy. I had been struggling with grief over losing my Dad to cancer and my step sister to suicide, so it was something happy to be celebrating. My family was surprised and my Mom had the biggest smile as the happy tears streamed down her lovely face. I would turn back the clock to relive that moment over and over again until it was cemented in my memory. After Christmas she became very sick and I couldn’t save her. Nor could all the medical interventions, her body was old, weak, and tired and I knew psychically she was ready to be with her parents and my Dad. A piece of her died the day she had to say goodbye to them. And she had referred to herself as an orphan and a widow. Even though her and my Dad were separated for a long time, and he moved on to a life with my step Mom. If I could’ve had one more conversation with my beloved Mama to say goodbye and thank her for bringing me into the world. Alas it wasn’t meant to be for the next time I did see her was in the peaceful state of eternal rest. I sang for her and that was my gift of goodbye as we spent many hours sharing songs and memories together. Losing my Mom while pregnant with my precious baby, and not knowing if I would survive it is the bittersweet world I live in today. Could I have changed things and carried my baby full term or to my planned caesarean date? I don’t know and I won’t apologize for loving and grieving for my one and only Mom. If my son was born at 39 weeks as scheduled would he have a neurological disorder today? Once again I don’t know, his developmental paediatrician said their wasn’t anything I could do to change the outcome. I like to think my baby came along right when we needed him the most. So things have turned around for the better with his health and his brothers. And I thank God daily for that blessing. I have survived grief, homesickness, depression, and the under current of anxiety. My life was turned upside down six years ago losing my best friend to a pulmonary embolism. No warning, just the shock of his sudden loss as the ground opened up and swallowed me whole. He was my husband and I’s “brother from another Mother.” And from the first time they met their was a spiritual connection between them that only kindred souls would feel. He was there when I married my love and was happy and in the best health and shape, he had ever been in since high school. After we had settled into our married life in a new city Marco came to visit. He was the first one I told I was going to have my first baby. And how he hugged me tight and was so excited when my husband and I became parents. Every time he came to visit we’d talk and laugh till all hours. And we’d go and see his son play hockey. Before he died he was coming to visit and I was stuck on that thought for a long time as shock set in. I would turn back time and tell Marco that he was the best friend that we could ever ask for. And how much he loved my son and his own was inspirational. I would thank him for coming into our lives and filling it with so much love and meaning. And how there’s a large void in our family, and his own missing him. After Marco died there was an old friend and caterer of our wedding, my sweet Uncle, my Dad, my step sister, my Mom, followed by both of husbands Grandma, Nanny, and great Uncle. So much loss in these nine years. I look at my wedding pictures and see their smiling faces. I feel sadness and also so much love and pride. I’m filled with the words I would say to them, if I had the chance. I would thank Grant for his friendship and for putting on an amazing feast to celebrate my wedding. I would thank my Uncle Reuben for his love and for coming to my wedding and celebrating with my Dad and their other brother. To see them smiling and laughing in the pictures fills my heart with such gratitude. To my Dad I would thank him for giving me life, and for making me a strong woman. And for living his life the way he wanted with no apologies, and teaching me to honour myself to do the same. To my step sister Angela I would thank her for all those times she babysit me and my sister and her own sister. How grateful I am that she saved us from a forest fire that was raging out of control in our neighbourhood. And lastly thanking her for loving and accepting me as her sister, when I had difficulties doing so at first. I would thank my beloved Mama for being her sweet self , for instilling kindness, love, and care into my actions, teaching me to sing, read, write and love the spoken and written word. And most of all for bringing me into the world to start my own journey. I would thank Grandma J for loving my husband and for having his Mom to bring him into the world, for me to fall in love with and start a wonderful life with. I would thank Nanny for her beautiful British wit, kindness, and for accepting me into her life and heart. I would thank Great Uncle H for his kind manner, compassion, and for making me feel that I was the most important and intelligent person when we would have our special talks. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house while him and Great aunty danced around the room on my wedding day. So how much my life has turned and changed to make me who I am today is the true blessing. And here I sit to write this love letter to those beautiful souls who touched my life more than they know. It’s through the twists and turns of life the real journey begins.