You know when there are some days you just feel like you have to fake a smile to try not to cry? Well yes I’ve been doing both, if you’ve been following along on my journey, I’ve had cancer enter my family and rip another loved one away. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression that envelops me in it’s dark cloak of doom and gloom. As menacing and frightful as it can be, it’s also comfortable like an old pair of slippers. My bunny slippers I wrote about a year ago when I started this blog. Well I know what to expect from those bunny slippers, as much as depression. Anxiety is like that Aunty I know I have and just decides to come and visit uninvited. Until I get fed up and kick the bitch out. Well that brings me to my current state I’m sick, looking after my sick kids, struggling to keep my house up to par, running my Facebook page, and doing my actual job as a transcriptionist. My Christmas cards are now officially happy January cards, because I haven’t felt healthy enough or alert to get them to my mailbox. I’m exhausted, sleep deprived, and feeling very Grinchy as of late. My friend sent me a lovely message about not trying to be a super hero when I’m sick. Let the house go to hell, get the rest I need, look after myself as well as I look after the kids. After reading it I understood something about myself, I’ve always wanted to be a super hero, my own or someone else’s. Do I even know how not to be, what will become of me if I’m not. I’ve got to give myself days off when my Super Mom Cape is in the wash. I need to learn how to slow down and not beat myself up for all the things I didn’t accomplish this year. I spent yesterday napping with my sick son who was sweating buckets with a his body in an inferno fire. Tylenol wasn’t working anymore so I switched to essential oils and that helped. I wiped his little body with a cool washcloth and prayed I wouldn’t have to drive him to the hospital. It hurt for me to move but I did it anyways because I still had to feed us when we woke up. I managed to find my super Mom powers and tidy up the kitchen and living room since the mess was contained to the upper floor. I kept the kids out of the basement to avoid having to drag myself down the stairs to deal with that terror. I didn’t want to do anything but stay wrapped up in the blankets while nursing my son back to health. My Captain helped clean up with me which I greatly appreciated, and our conversation flowed such as this.
Captain- “Mom I think you’re like Superman.”
Mom-“Oh why do you say that?”
Captain-“Because toys all over place are your kryptonite.”
He’s a very wise boy, and understands me well. So right now I’m simultaneously blogging, writing my annual Christmas letter, and then wrapping presents. All while locked in my bedroom so I get stuff done. Napping boys lead to late night boys and that’s where I fall behind the proverbial eight ball. I’ve beat myself up daily for not having my Christmas cards delivered in a timely manner. And I’ve been known to walk past the box and utter bite me January cards.
Because that’s all I’ve done for the month is run, rush, and now everything’s come to a screeching halt. My kids are feeling better today but I still feel like death on a Ritz cracker. My Christmas wishes are I need a break, alone time with my husband, and yet that’s not possible, because we’re going to an overcrowded, sensory overloaded Christmas with family. And I’m trying not to become a raging alcoholic over the holidays to cope. So there it is my guts exposed and left lying on the floor. Everything I’ve wanted to say and haven’t had the courage. Afraid of what would happen if I wasn’t the nice one in this game of life. It’s all overrated anyways, in my humble opinion I’m always kind until I’m not treated the same. Even if I follow the rules of life I still have to hurry up and wait, while others sail ahead on the express lane to fulfilling their desires. The truth sets you free and we can’t live with an emotional fortress wrapped around our hearts forever. So I go into Christmas praying for the best, and preparing for the worst. Because it’s who I am, and what I do with no apologies, because it works in my world. And I will sail into the new year with my head held high, wine glass in hand, and celebrate being a perfectly flawed human being. Cheers to you my dear readers, for celebrating on this journey with me. I hold you in the corner of my heart. ❤️
*Photo image used with permission from the sensational www.sharingwithshari.com. Who’s kindness, wisdom, and internal sunshine inspired this blog.*