Admit

I must admit I should be sleeping as I’ve been up since the ass crack of dawn. I got up and got my kids ready for hockey, so their Dad could take them to the game. I should be sleeping but my time alone is so precious and I have so many things I want to do. Yet here I sit writing to you, and admitting my faults one by one. I stay up late continuously watching and waiting for someone who needs me. I start my days with little sleep and end them with even less. Even if I’m not needed, I admit I love the feeling of that quiet time when everyone’s sleeping.

It
‘s my precious sliver of the late night where I do things just for me. I drink wine, I sip tea, I read, write, entertain myself with Facebook. I seek out inspiration, quotes, funny memes, I write about whatever pops into my head or discover a new word prompt. I know I have no right to complain about being tired, yet I do. Is it because I like sabotaging myself or is it that me tone is just too valuable to give up? I don’t really know it could be a combination of things, I like the sound of my own voice, as I sing, and I putter around in my kitchen. I grew up with my Mom doing exactly this midnight was her golden time. I would wake up and hear her sweet voice singing and she’d be making tea. I would feel like I was missing out on something magical, so I’d stay up and watch old black and white classic movies till 4 am. Only to have to 4 hours of sleep and have to rush out the door to catch my bus for school. I may have grown up tired but I look back on those time as beautiful moments in my childhood. Magical moments that only my beloved Mama and I would share. She called me her little night owl and now I have one of my own. When he wakes up and sees me on the couch we snuggle together until he falls back to sleep. I carry him to bed and eventually crawl into my own. I know I should’ve gone to bed earlier and I’ll regret skipping sleep on purpose. I have no one to blame but my own self for my sleep deprivation. Would medication help me sleep? Perhaps but I like feeling like me, even if I’m a groggy, sleepy eyed Mombie in the morning. I know I can always catch up on sleep and I must admit that feels like a blessing. This world that I’ve carved out for myself is a secure one. I know with my youngest son’s sleep apnea, and my oldest son’s reoccurring nightmares I will always be needed at the wee hours of the morning. This is part of being a Mom, living with anxiety, and being that proverbial apple not falling from my Mom’s tree. She grew up with a very military style where she went to bed early, kept her room tidy. Her home was as neat as a pin as that’s how my Grandparents liked it. I think when my Mom grew up she began to rebel. Our home wasn’t always neat and tidy.
We had clean clothes, dishes, and food in the cupboards. We may have had to do a mad dash to clean up quickly when company was expected. But we were always happy. My Mom would help my sister and I make our lunches at night. And get us off to school in the morning and she’d be there at the end of the day to ask how was your school day. This is how I grew up and this is the Mom I am today. And I have to admit that feels pretty wonderful to be here raising and watching my boys grow into men. So if I lose sleep well it’s not the end of the world, I’ll catch up and I’ve adapted. I wasn’t much of a sleeper as a child, and now I live that daily. I will take whatever hours I can get always yearning for more, but for now this isn’t broken. My life works, I fix what’s broken, I repair what’s cracked. Whether that’s my heart or my psyche, I know each day I’m trying and I’m not perfect I’m just real and genuine. So if you’ll excuse me I admit I’m a little tired now since seeing the sunrise. I will enjoy a couple hours of slumber and wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world. ?

This has been my Sunday confession for the lovely Ash of www.morethancheeseandbeer.com. Please check out her confession and all the other amazing bloggers that link up. ?