There’s comes a time in life where we have to let go of the anger and invite acceptance into our lives. Well I should say I have to let go of MY anger and invite acceptance into MY life. I lived with this dark, protective, force in my life for a very long time. I have allowed it to take up residence in my soul, destroy relationships, and occupy my mind. It has been my go to feeling as I’m instantly reactive to situations in my daily life. I have to consciously choose happiness, I have to choose to smile when I’d rather cry, and laugh when I’d rather yell. I have to take time to calm my mind, find the still, the quiet to meditate. And when I do these things anger dissipates into thin air, and is replaced with peace. My inner child takes a beating as she wants to love everyone and yet protect herself from everything. It’s a fine balance as I’ve been struggling and walking the thin line between love and kindness, and hurt and anger. The negative has taking up residence in my heart as I feel life beating me down. Growing up feeling victimized, bullied, and unheard has led me to some very dark times in my existence. In the past I’ve flirted with danger and became reckless. I’ve thought if I survived emotional war fare I could survive anything. I’ve jumped off bridges, drove with a drunk driver, and jumped out of windows. Trying to escape for myself, these were stupid, selfish and dangerous acts and God let me survive them. At the time I felt invincible as I lived to tell my tale. Yet my soul was so tortured with this scary behaviour. Which caused me to grow a very thick exterior, as an empath I had to for survival. I can read most people like a book, and I can feel and know what’s not being said in a conversation. And if I can’t “feel” out a situation I feel nervous and a walk away. I’ve left relationships, situations, and people behind in the dust because of these barriers. I’ve carved out a secure existence where I’m vigilantly aware of everything and everyone, I come in contact with. I have to be, because protecting myself is my upmost concern at all times. And now to see these characteristics intrinsically alive in my sons is both reassuring and concerning. I want them to have wisdom to protect themselves, yet love in their hearts. I want them to faith in mankind and yet an awareness of danger. I want my little cubs to feel safe in their world but I can’t control their lives. I have searched for answers to my karma, spent years living and learning, separating fact from fiction, and spiritual dogma from the truth! I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes searching for the perfect spiritual teacher to enlighten me. I’ve wasted a lot of time, tears, and money on my quest. I have to learn not to fear the word acceptance or the act of forgiveness. And know I, more than anyone else needs to experience this. I have to feel in my heart that I’m doing the right thing for myself, by embracing and allowing that healing to take place. I have sat with my tears, and grown and learn from these pearls of wisdom. I have cried out to God to stop the pain, torment, and anguish and save me from myself. This dark night of my soul has taught me to live for the now, and let the future take care of itself. To always think the best, but prepare for the worst. I walk with this wisdom in my heart and mind, and let it absorb into my soul with its life given light. And just maybe everything that I’ve been searching for love, forgiveness, and acceptance was inside of me all along.?
Sometimes we get so caught up in checking things off lists, making everyone happy, filling our time with this and that…and we forget it’s ok to relax. To do nothing. To sit in the shade and simply b.r.e.a.t.h.e. ♥