Goodbyes are always final

Well here I sit waiting to write, when I feel emotional it’s almost a compulsion to get the words out of my head. Last night I sat down to watch the news with my family which isn’t something I ever do. But last night was an exception as my hometown was being featured on Global news. There will more about that in a future blog, as I’m still gathering information before I write it. As I waited for the broadcast to start there was breaking news of actor, comedian, and philanthropist Robin Williams death from an apparent suicide. I was transfixed hearing that, at first I thought I didn’t hear it correctly, he was only 63 was what raged in my head. Then it really hit me like a ton of bricks, he’s really dead and we were going to watch Mrs. Doubtfire for our family movie night. In the early 80’s a young and up and coming actor Robin Williams burst onto the scene as the character Mork from York on the tv sitcom Mork and Mindy. He captured my heart as the beloved alien and I constantly ran around the house driving my sister crazy saying “Nanu nanu!” I also owned the Mork action figure complete with his egg shaped space craft. His comedic talent, lovable laughter, and infectious smile made me want to be an actress. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever told that to anyone before. His zany personality and comedic timing on Robin Williams live at the Improv is one of my favorite acts to YouTube. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend you do, it’s a game changer. And the cause of his death the coroner has ruled as suicide, due to asphyxiation. I take suicide very seriously, as it’s touched my life and the life of my family. My step sister was going through a lot of pain and turmoil while dealing with my Dad’s cancer diagnosis and eventually his death. She was his care giver, his confidant, and the one he sat up with late at night and they drank honey tea. I was glad she could be there for my Dad when I couldn’t be due to the location I was living in. She was so lost when he died and she told me that. I reached out and tried to help her, but she wanted to help me with my grief. She took precious time to tell me how much my Dad loved me and how proud he was of me. She said he stayed up at night and listened to a recording of me singing on repeat for days. She shared how he thought I was a great Mom to my son and I was living a good life and I deserved happiness. I had made my Dad a scrapbook for his birthday of his life. I included little stories and pictures of his children, and Grandchildren and his animals. Things that I knew would mean a lot to him. It really was a labor of love and she told me how he looked through that every night before going to bed. My step sister put her grief aside to help everyone in our family with theirs, she was selfless like that. And the last thing she said to me was I’m so lost, and I told her she could be found again. It would just take time, and she was so loved. Shortly after that, a month later she took her life. I was dealing with my own grief with my Dad’s death, raising my 2 year old son, and then this devastating news rocked me to the core! I still wish I could’ve done more for her and it will always remain as the biggest regret of my life. I still miss her and occasionally dream about her. She was an angel on earth, and now she’s one in heaven. I think of her up there drinking honey tea with my Dad keeping him company like she always did. When suicide has touched my life and my family’s in the way it has, all I can feel is the heartbreaking loss when others are affected by it. And to have another family have to go through that pain, confusion, and devastation is too much bear. I offer my condolences to Robin William’s family, and to all the lives he’s touched with his talent and brilliance. And a special tribute to my sweet step sister who touched my heart and the lives of many other family and friends. Shine on sweet angel, like the beautiful star you are. ⭐️❤️

Jeanine Lebsack

Writer, research assistant, podcaster, reiki healer, and a passionate advocate for neurodiversity. On my writing journey I’ve discovered a plethora of passions including writing, researching, entertaining through song and dance, with a desire to explore and create something transformational and healing. I believe in the sacred art of storytelling and that there’s power in the written and spoken word. Join me on my journey using the magic of words, music, and heart song. I believe we create ripples of energy that flow throughout the universe and by sharing our stories it creates change, positivity, and healing. Have a listen to my podcast on Spotify and Anchor at House of a Writer.

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