Hope

There are times in my life where I’ve almost given up on hope. Sometimes by the skin of my teeth, but yet I held on. After the deaths of my friend who was like my brother from another Mother, my Uncle, my Dad, my step sister, and then my Mom all within the last 6 years I’ve been spiritually devastated. It was more than my mind, my heart, and my soul to handle. Then after my Mom’s death, and my baby’s premature arrival I was a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual mess. I was living on antidepressants and caring for a newborn baby and my oldest son. I had a huge void in my heart as I tried to stumble through. I was sleep deprived, stressed, and my heart was breaking when my baby was in the NICU. My baby came home eventually and my husband, myself, and our sons became this family who was making it work against all odds. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and slowly but surely I began to create this new normal around the void in my heart. What got me through this dark night of my soul you may ask? It was hope, I had hope that I would smile again and that my tears would stop flooding my existence. As I watched my baby growing up learning and growing, I felt the joy in watching his big brother teach him the ways of the world. Seeing my husband hold our precious babe and hug our big boy warmed my heart beyond belief. I even moved to a town by the name of Hope a year into my healing journey. I was feeling very hopeless in Hope, it’s located in the costal mountain range so it rains a lot there. The beauty of the scenery, and the friendliness of the community, and the freshness and greenery left after the rain, definitely helped a lot. Especially as the rainy days turned into a rainy season for 3 months! I shed a lot of tears, drank a lot of wine, being homesick for the life had I created before. And I was missing my friends like a piece of heart had been ripped out. There I was for the 7 long, never ending months raising my kids out of a hotel, in the process of trying to sell my house, and find a new place to call home. In Hope I struggled to find myself again. I spent a lot of tear stained days and nights as I had left my support network and didn’t know many people. I was so overwhelming lost and alone. I thank God I had my family, they’re my soft place to fall and in the end that’s all I’ll ever need. Over the 2.5 years in Hope I moved twice from the hotel to a house, and found a place to rest my head. I kept on putting my one foot in front of the other and I found an outlet for my pain. I took my oldest to school and my youngest to a play group and met some wonderful parents and the amazing teacher there. I met more people in the community and I then started acting, and creating a whole new world through the characters I portrayed. I found my voice and began to publicly sing again, I hadn’t done that since my Moms funeral. I found a love and acceptance with my theatre family and a joy that my soul was crying out for in the worst way. I began to feel confident and happy in this new me skin, so I began to dance. I was strutting my stuff learning how to burlesque which took the blues away. I began loving this sexy, free, fun loving, self I had become. My muse, and caring instructor and my loving sisters of the dance became my life line. As did my babysitter and precious friend and neighbor. And even though I had to move and say goodbye I have found hope again. Grief doesn’t have an expiry date and I will feel how I feel without apologies because of the love I shared for my loved ones. I know I went from feeling hopeless to hopeful and through this foggy haze of emotion that’s the best gift I can give myself.

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