Faith

I have a deep faith in God. This is something I’m happy to have and share it with my kids. I’m not knocking on people’s doors to share that as it’s very special and personal faith I have. And throughout the last 5 years it’s been tested greatly. There’s been times when having faith has been like a 4 letter word to me as my heart and head have had to endure a lot of loss and pain. I’ve survived the deaths of both of my parents before I turned 40. As we know that’s a time in your life when you greatly appreciate and value your parents role in your life. As they watch you grow into an accomplished adult and become a parent yourself. My kids only have one set of Grandparents and I’ve always felt that crushing loss of them not knowing my parents. My oldest son knew my Mom and Dad and he was 2 when my Dad died, and 4 with my Mom’s passing. He remembers stories I tell him and pictures in the photo albums but I have to have faith he will remember the love and pride that they had for him. I look in my son’s eyes and see my Mom smiling back at me which gives me great comfort and a pang in my heart at the same time… He came along at a time in their lives when that had already been Grandparents for awhile and life had settled down for them and they were able to appreciate him growing, learning, and discovering throughout those tender years. He has a lot of their characteristics as well with his love of history, humor, reading, writing, and creativity. My parents never knew my youngest who reminds me of them both with his spirit, tenacity, and strength. He had a very scary, early arrival shortly after my Mom’s death. And I went through a lot to get him healthy enough to leave the hospital. I had to dig deep, pray, and have faith that he would be ok when I finally got to room in with him and eventually bring him home to his family. I had to have faith he would be breathing and I wouldn’t have to check on him every 15 minutes in a day if he was sleeping too soundly. I wore him in a baby carrier a lot those first few months of his new born life and today he’s a very snuggly toddler. I had to have faith that I would conquer and survive having Post Partum Depression twice after having my precious babies. I had to keep the faith that I would heal and recover from a devastating grief that made my heart, spirit, and my body ache. I had to have faith I could help my oldest son deal with his own precious heart breaking with grief as he was living without his Grandma in his life and then a brand new baby brother in the hospital. He didn’t understand that the hospital was a safe place for his brother as he saw him hooked up to wires and monitors when he visited him in the NICU. Today 4 years later I hear him and his little brother talking about my parents as they look through pictures of them on the computer. And just now as I was writing this blog my oldest son made up a video to show me pictures of my hubby and I, my parents and I on our wedding day, and then pictures of my sweet boy when he was younger. And I just like that my faith is restored that he has his special memories of his Grandparents and continues to share them with his family. This makes me think of my Mom and Dad up their on their white cloud smiling and laughing at these amazing Grandsons. As they look down with love and pride at the best gifts in my life, cheering me on and encouraging me to keep the faith. ❤️

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