Captive

I have been held captive throughout most of my life to fear. I have feared being ridiculed when I was 5 years old because I couldn’t spell my name in Kindergarten. So every recess while the other kids played outside I worked with my teacher learning how to spell it.

 I remember looking at the alphabet train around the room praying the letters A for Apple, B for Bee, or C for Cat would give me the inspiration or even a right letter. I have been in a classroom with other students that understood and excelled in math. I’ve believed I suck at math so I programmed my mind to not learn it and be successful.

 I was held captive with fear, low self esteem and feeling worthless when my Grade 2 teacher read out my math mark last because it was always the lowest. Even though everyone else in my class had their names and marks read out alphabetically. I can still hear that awful voice of that vile woman in
my head from so many years ago. I have been held captive to the fear of getting lost. 

I will map out every single direction over and over again in my mind till it’s imprinted like a photograph. There are times when I still get lost and panic because something happens in my mind and GPS definitely helps in those situations. 

I have been held captive to grief as I allowed it to eat away at my happiness and guilt replaced my joy. I wondered if I could ever smile again or feel a reason to be happy. I have been held captive to the fear that I’m not good, smart, pretty, or worthy enough. I have spent countless hours looking in the mirror and asking God why am I here, what am I to do with my life. I have attracted negative people and situations in my life because of these beliefs. 

I have been held captive by the fear of change and I’ve moved a lot in my life and tried to run away from myself. I am a strong, loving, woman and I owe to my myself, and my family to change and break free from this captivity. Now I’m facing challenges, transitioning to a new home, new people, new situations, a brand new life. I’m reprogramming myself and my motto is feel the fear but do it anyway. I’m learning, changing, and growing more into the person I want to become and loving and forgiving myself for who I was. I’m not my past I’m the present and my gift is a future of breaking free from this captivity!

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