I have been held captive throughout most of my life to fear. I have feared being ridiculed when I was 5 years old because I couldn’t spell my name in Kindergarten. So every recess while the other kids played outside I worked with my teacher learning how to spell it.

 I remember looking at the alphabet train around the room praying the letters A for Apple, B for Bee, or C for Cat would give me the inspiration or even a right letter. I have been in a classroom with other students that understood and excelled in math. I’ve believed I suck at math so I programmed my mind to not learn it and be successful.

 I was held captive with fear, low self esteem and feeling worthless when my Grade 2 teacher read out my math mark last because it was always the lowest. Even though everyone else in my class had their names and marks read out alphabetically. I can still hear that awful voice of that vile woman in
my head from so many years ago. I have been held captive to the fear of getting lost. 

I will map out every single direction over and over again in my mind till it’s imprinted like a photograph. There are times when I still get lost and panic because something happens in my mind and GPS definitely helps in those situations. 

I have been held captive to grief as I allowed it to eat away at my happiness and guilt replaced my joy. I wondered if I could ever smile again or feel a reason to be happy. I have been held captive to the fear that I’m not good, smart, pretty, or worthy enough. I have spent countless hours looking in the mirror and asking God why am I here, what am I to do with my life. I have attracted negative people and situations in my life because of these beliefs. 

I have been held captive by the fear of change and I’ve moved a lot in my life and tried to run away from myself. I am a strong, loving, woman and I owe to my myself, and my family to change and break free from this captivity. Now I’m facing challenges, transitioning to a new home, new people, new situations, a brand new life. I’m reprogramming myself and my motto is feel the fear but do it anyway. I’m learning, changing, and growing more into the person I want to become and loving and forgiving myself for who I was. I’m not my past I’m the present and my gift is a future of breaking free from this captivity!

This Sunday confession brought to you by the amazing
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*Image used with permission from*

Jeanine Lebsack

Writer, research assistant, podcaster, reiki healer, and a passionate advocate for neurodiversity. On my writing journey I’ve discovered a plethora of passions including writing, researching, entertaining through song and dance, with a desire to explore and create something transformational and healing. I believe in the sacred art of storytelling and that there’s power in the written and spoken word. Join me on my journey using the magic of words, music, and heart song. I believe we create ripples of energy that flow throughout the universe and by sharing our stories it creates change, positivity, and healing. Have a listen to my podcast on Spotify and Anchor at House of a Writer.

4 thoughts on “Captive

  • 10 March 2016 at 7:02 pm

    Fear is so powerful! I live the motto “Feel the fear but do it anyway!” I am trying to put that more and more into practice myself. Here’s to facing fears together!

    • 10 March 2016 at 11:03 pm

      It really is, I’m in a constant state of being fearful and I just keep on doing the things anyway. Cheers to you my Mama ally. ??

  • 11 March 2016 at 5:42 pm

    Fear holds me back a lot, but I am glad to read this, to know I am not alone.

    • 11 March 2016 at 9:59 pm

      You are never alone honey! I keep on stepping out my comfort zone thinking it will get easier. It does and it doesn’t, but I know eventually it will become second nature. ?


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