Rejection

Have you ever fallen so hard for someone that you see them in your dreams at night, you hang out at the places you know they will be, doodle their name + yours on your notebook, and smile at them when you see them, yet they don’t know you exist? Have you stayed at home on a Friday night waiting for your so called “friends” to call you when you know they’ve all made plans to get together? Have you gone to bed at night crying yourself to sleep wondering what you did, said, to make them treat you this way? Have you felt the sting, the pain, the ultimate humiliation of rejection? I have too many times in my life to count! I’ve had guys tell me it’s not you, it’s me let’s be friends. Meanwhile they’ve been banging my friends all summer. I’ve hung out with the popular girls in high school only to have myself sit and wait for them to call, pick me up, or RSVP to an invitation. I’ve planned parties where I’ve had no one show up I’ve felt that hurtful, disgusting, heart wrenching monster called rejection. I’ve sat in a classroom of 20 kids and had spit balls thrown at my head, called hurtful names and bullied till I was tears. You may be thinking wow, what a loser to not have even one friend to lean on. Or feel so much sympathy because you would’ve been that friend to me if you could. Back in my childhood I had this condition that I like to call “people pleaseitis.” I wanted people to like me, because I really liked people. I was always surrounded by a lot of people that loved me, I was also around a lot of older people that taught me their wisdom in stories about their lives. I loved kids my age, older, younger, but as a child I always related to the adults. I could go to a sleep over and while all the girls were giggling and watching movies, and I’d be sitting chatting and drinking tea in the kitchen with their parents. I wasn’t an ugly child that no one would play with I was just different. I loved to climb trees, play baseball, and go on nature hikes, read fascinating books that would take me on exciting adventures. And a one point and time I wanted to be the great Pippi Longstocking except with parents, not without. I didn’t like crowds, loud sounds, or bright lights, because those things frightened me. Now they call this a neurological condition Sensory Integration Disorder. I grew up empathic and I could see, hear, and feel energy of things that other people weren’t aware of. And when I’d talk about the “rainbows” I saw around people what I learned were called auras, kids would think I was crazy!!! And I’d say to a friend don’t be sad your Grandpa died because he’s sitting there beside you. And you can imagine the reactions I get to that bold statement? I thought everyone could see what I saw it was just that they were too busy to notice. My parents and my Grandparents knew about my abilities and they were my greatest protectors. I hung out with the other kids that got teased, and I protected them from the other bullies. At the end of my Grade 8 school year my Dad went to everyone of those kids houses that bullied me. And those little assholes had to apologize to me for their brutal behavior. My Dad, my rock, my protector, my hero. Now as an adult I care less about what people think of me. I gravitate more to like minded people that accept, love, respect, and appreciate me for who I am. I still make mistakes and choose the wrong people when I repeat my old patterns from childhood. But no one bullies me, I say what’s on my mind, and I still treat people how I want to be treated. It’s the golden rule and one my amazing Mom etched in my mind and heart. My Mom a saint among Mothers, and a true friend for eternity. And now that monster rejection touches my heart, mind, and soul a lot less. I have this thicker skin and self confidence that grew stronger, wiser, and more powerful than it. So in closing I offer these words of wisdom “be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” -Philo

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